Comments on: Talking to Children About Adoption – Part 3 of 4 http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2010/talking-to-children-about-adoption-part-3-of-4/ Thu, 09 May 2013 18:00:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.1 By: Michelle Keyes http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2010/talking-to-children-about-adoption-part-3-of-4/comment-page-1/#comment-122 Michelle Keyes Fri, 19 Nov 2010 17:53:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=232#comment-122 The intent of my posts are to give an overview of some issues that might arise when raising adopted children. It certainly isn’t exhaustive of every conversation that needs to be had. Adoptive parents in our program do go through intensive training and it’s our goal to help prepare them to address issues with their child and be aware of things their child might be experiencing. Our adoptive families have lifetime support through our agency and our counselors and are always welcome to talk to us if they have questions when specific situations arise. The intent of my posts are to give an overview of some issues that might arise when raising adopted children. It certainly isn’t exhaustive of every conversation that needs to be had. Adoptive parents in our program do go through intensive training and it’s our goal to help prepare them to address issues with their child and be aware of things their child might be experiencing. Our adoptive families have lifetime support through our agency and our counselors and are always welcome to talk to us if they have questions when specific situations arise.

]]> By: Ryan Schwab http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2010/talking-to-children-about-adoption-part-3-of-4/comment-page-1/#comment-121 Ryan Schwab Fri, 19 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=232#comment-121 I am not going to censor this comment, but I ask that you refrain from ad hominem attacks. This is an open forum for discussion about issues surrounding adoption, not a trial on the concept of adoption itself. I am not going to censor this comment, but I ask that you refrain from ad hominem attacks. This is an open forum for discussion about issues surrounding adoption, not a trial on the concept of adoption itself.

]]> By: Mirah Riben http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2010/talking-to-children-about-adoption-part-3-of-4/comment-page-1/#comment-120 Mirah Riben Thu, 18 Nov 2010 23:53:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=232#comment-120 "The example I gave above wasn’t necessarily to try to point out that the teen is immature, but rather that she has a lot going on in her life and might not make parenting her first priority." Do you not see that is giving the child the message that THEY were not her priority??? You are an adoption "professional"? “The example I gave above wasn’t necessarily to try to point out that the teen is immature, but rather that she has a lot going on in her life and might not make parenting her first priority.”

Do you not see that is giving the child the message that THEY were not her priority???

You are an adoption “professional”?

]]> By: Mirah Riben http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2010/talking-to-children-about-adoption-part-3-of-4/comment-page-1/#comment-119 Mirah Riben Thu, 18 Nov 2010 23:47:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=232#comment-119 Yes, definately, that is IMPORTANT to include in advise you give parents. Without that part, it is not helpful to them. And...intent or not, that is how it comes across. Focusing on "the door is open" in fact assures your child that you are not being the bad person and stopping the visitation. It puts the blame and responsibility for the lack of vists off yuou and on the other. Let's be honest here. Yes, it is about control and you have all the control to frame it in a way that paints you as harmless and open and loving and caring and the other as...?? That's all about the adults, though. It is not addressing the child and his need. Is your goal to assure your child that you are not barring the visits or to help them deal with the lack of visits? Think about it a bit deeper before being defensive in replying and not addressing my point at all... Yes, definately, that is IMPORTANT to include in advise you give parents. Without that part, it is not helpful to them.

And…intent or not, that is how it comes across. Focusing on “the door is open” in fact assures your child that you are not being the bad person and stopping the visitation. It puts the blame and responsibility for the lack of vists off yuou and on the other. Let’s be honest here. Yes, it is about control and you have all the control to frame it in a way that paints you as harmless and open and loving and caring and the other as…??

That’s all about the adults, though. It is not addressing the child and his need. Is your goal to assure your child that you are not barring the visits or to help them deal with the lack of visits? Think about it a bit deeper before being defensive in replying and not addressing my point at all…

]]> By: Michelle Keyes http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2010/talking-to-children-about-adoption-part-3-of-4/comment-page-1/#comment-118 Michelle Keyes Thu, 18 Nov 2010 20:56:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=232#comment-118 Yes, definitely. It is not your child’s fault that a birthparent has lost contact with you and it may be necessary to have a discussion about that. Again, you will want to be honest, but keep in mind that often when a birthparent looses contact, we don’t have the answer as to why. That’s why it’s important to let your child know they are always welcome back and can find you. Otherwise, a child may grapple with the fear that the birthparent has no way to get in touch or is searching for them and it’s the adoptive parent’s fault. My comment wasn’t to paint the “good adoptive parent” vs. the “bad birth parent”, but was intended to put the control in places it could be maintained. We don’t have control over the birthparents’ lives or what they choose to do, so we have to talk to our children with the answers we do have. Yes, definitely. It is not your child’s fault that a birthparent has lost contact with you and it may be necessary to have a discussion about that. Again, you will want to be honest, but keep in mind that often when a birthparent looses contact, we don’t have the answer as to why. That’s why it’s important to let your child know they are always welcome back and can find you. Otherwise, a child may grapple with the fear that the birthparent has no way to get in touch or is searching for them and it’s the adoptive parent’s fault.

My comment wasn’t to paint the “good adoptive parent” vs. the “bad birth parent”, but was intended to put the control in places it could be maintained. We don’t have control over the birthparents’ lives or what they choose to do, so we have to talk to our children with the answers we do have.

]]> By: Mirah Riben http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2010/talking-to-children-about-adoption-part-3-of-4/comment-page-1/#comment-115 Mirah Riben Thu, 18 Nov 2010 15:30:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=232#comment-115 Wuld it not also be a good idea to help assure your child that it is not their fault that their birthparent is no longer visiting??? Just as one would do on a divorce. That seems far more important than a concern to pat yourself on the back and assure them it's not your fault and you are a good person by keeping the door open...thus putting all the onus on their bad birth parent while matinaining the high road as the "good adoptive parent" as your scenario suggests. Wuld it not also be a good idea to help assure your child that it is not their fault that their birthparent is no longer visiting??? Just as one would do on a divorce.

That seems far more important than a concern to pat yourself on the back and assure them it’s not your fault and you are a good person by keeping the door open…thus putting all the onus on their bad birth parent while matinaining the high road as the “good adoptive parent” as your scenario suggests.

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