Comments on: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/ Thu, 09 May 2013 18:00:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.1 By: Mariska Hargitay Adoption Interview http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-803 Mariska Hargitay Adoption Interview Tue, 01 May 2012 17:11:10 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-803 [...] discusses various defining moments in the adoption process; the dreaded wait, the instant bond formed with a birth mother, the heartbreak of an unlikely adoption reclaim, considering transracial adoption, the magical [...] [...] discusses various defining moments in the adoption process; the dreaded wait, the instant bond formed with a birth mother, the heartbreak of an unlikely adoption reclaim, considering transracial adoption, the magical [...]

]]> By: Cheryl http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-647 Cheryl Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:20:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-647 I'm a writer, so I definitely don't consider language trivial. IAC usually uses the term "birthmother," so I've followed their lead. I heard "first mother" for the first time fairly recently, and I wasn't sure what the difference was. So again, I appreciate your perspective. I know the baby won't be ours until he or she is born, and until the first mother confirms her decision. (I say "ours" in a nonexclusive way; on some level, the baby will always belong to his or her first mother as well.) If the baby's first mother decides to parent, I believe I'll respect that decision. I know how badly I want to be a mother, so I don't think I could deny another mother's attachment to her child, even though I would be devastated. I know that loss is inherently part of the process of open adoption--either way, someone goes home without a baby. It's strange and difficult to think that my joy might come at the first mother's expense, or that her joy--if she decides to parent--will come at my expense. The only thing that helps me through this reality is the knowledge that either way, the baby will go home with someone who loves him or her deeply. I’m a writer, so I definitely don’t consider language trivial. IAC usually uses the term “birthmother,” so I’ve followed their lead. I heard “first mother” for the first time fairly recently, and I wasn’t sure what the difference was. So again, I appreciate your perspective.

I know the baby won’t be ours until he or she is born, and until the first mother confirms her decision. (I say “ours” in a nonexclusive way; on some level, the baby will always belong to his or her first mother as well.) If the baby’s first mother decides to parent, I believe I’ll respect that decision. I know how badly I want to be a mother, so I don’t think I could deny another mother’s attachment to her child, even though I would be devastated.

I know that loss is inherently part of the process of open adoption–either way, someone goes home without a baby. It’s strange and difficult to think that my joy might come at the first mother’s expense, or that her joy–if she decides to parent–will come at my expense. The only thing that helps me through this reality is the knowledge that either way, the baby will go home with someone who loves him or her deeply.

]]> By: Michelle Keyes http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-642 Michelle Keyes Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:59:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-642 Wonderful article!  Thanks so much for sharing! Wonderful article!  Thanks so much for sharing!

]]> By: Coco Rogers http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-641 Coco Rogers Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:55:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-641 Cheryl, I'm glad you recognize that there will be ongoing grief. Since you're interested in the perspective of first mothers, and in being an advocate for adoption education, I'd like to say that among us moms, it is mostly considered disrespectful to refer to the first mother of your adopted child as "your/our birth mother". She is your child's first mother. Additionally, a pregnant woman considering adoption is not yet a "birth" or first mother. She hasn't relinquished her rights yet. A more accurate way to talk about her is simply as an expectant mother. Even if she's promised not to change her mind. Even if she's sworn up and down that she is not ready to be a mother. Even if she insists that the baby she is carrying is yours. Even if she refers to herself as a "birth mother". These may seem like trivial distinctions to you, but language is important. Choosing your terms with care, and understanding why what seems harmless you you can be so hurtful to first mothers reinforces that you really respect this woman as a mother, and a person, and you intend to honor her decisions even if the outcome is not what you hoped. Thanks for listening. Cheryl, I’m glad you recognize that there will be ongoing grief. Since you’re interested in the perspective of first mothers, and in being an advocate for adoption education, I’d like to say that among us moms, it is mostly considered disrespectful to refer to the first mother of your adopted child as “your/our birth mother”. She is your child’s first mother. Additionally, a pregnant woman considering adoption is not yet a “birth” or first mother. She hasn’t relinquished her rights yet. A more accurate way to talk about her is simply as an expectant mother. Even if she’s promised not to change her mind. Even if she’s sworn up and down that she is not ready to be a mother. Even if she insists that the baby she is carrying is yours. Even if she refers to herself as a “birth mother”.

These may seem like trivial distinctions to you, but language is important. Choosing your terms with care, and understanding why what seems harmless you you can be so hurtful to first mothers reinforces that you really respect this woman as a mother, and a person, and you intend to honor her decisions even if the outcome is not what you hoped.

Thanks for listening.

]]> By: Cheryl http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-637 Cheryl Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:55:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-637 Coco: Thanks for sharing your story. Imagining what a hypothetical birthmother might be going through is no substitute for hearing from actual birthmothers. The fact of very real and ongoing grief on the part of the birthmother who chooses us will be something that Cecilia and I--and our birthmother and child--will have to deal with as a family, one step at a time. My goal isn't to equate my own suffering with that of a woman who isn't able to parent her child; I'm just trying to understand, and the best place I can begin that process is with my own experience. Ani: Thanks for adding the adoptee perspective. I absolutely agree that adopted kids should get to know their birthfathers if at all possible, which is why IAC strongly encourages birthmothers to notify the fathers of their children. My point was only that (some) birthmothers have a complicated relationship with the fathers. I'm sure there are non-adoptees who would like to know more about their fathers too. Coco: Thanks for sharing your story. Imagining what a hypothetical birthmother might be going through is no substitute for hearing from actual birthmothers. The fact of very real and ongoing grief on the part of the birthmother who chooses us will be something that Cecilia and I–and our birthmother and child–will have to deal with as a family, one step at a time. My goal isn’t to equate my own suffering with that of a woman who isn’t able to parent her child; I’m just trying to understand, and the best place I can begin that process is with my own experience.

Ani: Thanks for adding the adoptee perspective. I absolutely agree that adopted kids should get to know their birthfathers if at all possible, which is why IAC strongly encourages birthmothers to notify the fathers of their children. My point was only that (some) birthmothers have a complicated relationship with the fathers. I’m sure there are non-adoptees who would like to know more about their fathers too.

]]> By: Coco Rogers http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-636 Coco Rogers Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:08:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-636 I'm truly sorry for the loss of your twins. As a first mother, however, there are a lot of items in your post that distress me. Comparing your experience as a couple hoping to adopt with that of a pregnant woman who is very likely in a crisis situation with little support is oversimplifying at best. While I do know several first mom friends who were eventually able to achieve goals such as a college degree, the majority of the moms I know have experienced ongoing grief for their relinquished children. Yes, even those with open adoptions and good relationships. My daughter is 19 now. I miss her, even though we are in close contact. I have forever separated my children. I have had severe panic attacks related to the guilt and sadness I experience over adoption. I wasn't thinking about starting a business when I gave her up. I was alone and desperate. I didn't plan to get pregnant, but I sang to my baby as she kicked inside me. I ate ten thousand bananas and drank a river of milk because she craved them. I named her. I held her the second after she was born, and she touched my face. I wanted her. I just had no support, and I thought I had no choices. I don't bear ill will toward her adoptive family. They are nice people. They've done their best. They love her. I have a good life. But none of that changes the fact that I wish I had chosen to parent her instead. If you really care about the hypothetical woman you're writing to, I hope you'll encourage her to really explore all of her options for parenting. Because my experience is not an isolated one. I’m truly sorry for the loss of your twins. As a first mother, however, there are a lot of items in your post that distress me. Comparing your experience as a couple hoping to adopt with that of a pregnant woman who is very likely in a crisis situation with little support is oversimplifying at best. While I do know several first mom friends who were eventually able to achieve goals such as a college degree, the majority of the moms I know have experienced ongoing grief for their relinquished children. Yes, even those with open adoptions and good relationships. My daughter is 19 now. I miss her, even though we are in close contact. I have forever separated my children. I have had severe panic attacks related to the guilt and sadness I experience over adoption. I wasn’t thinking about starting a business when I gave her up. I was alone and desperate. I didn’t plan to get pregnant, but I sang to my baby as she kicked inside me. I ate ten thousand bananas and drank a river of milk because she craved them. I named her. I held her the second after she was born, and she touched my face. I wanted her. I just had no support, and I thought I had no choices.

I don’t bear ill will toward her adoptive family. They are nice people. They’ve done their best. They love her. I have a good life. But none of that changes the fact that I wish I had chosen to parent her instead. If you really care about the hypothetical woman you’re writing to, I hope you’ll encourage her to really explore all of her options for parenting. Because my experience is not an isolated one.

]]> By: ani http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-635 ani Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:04:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-635 The birthfather comment tells me you need to do allot of reading by adoptees.  I am adopted,, its always about everyone else but us. My Dad may be an asshole but it's my decision to know him know that I am an adult. No one has the right to keep that info from me. How dare they. Our rights as adoptees are so fucked up. What makes me any different then a unadopted child. There is no difference but because I am adopted my rights are taken away. Pathetic. Adoptive parents that support this have no right adopting and your comment about letting the birthfather out of the picture concerns me.  The birthfather comment tells me you need to do allot of reading by adoptees.  I am adopted,, its always about everyone else but us. My Dad may be an asshole but it’s my decision to know him know that I am an adult. No one has the right to keep that info from me. How dare they. Our rights as adoptees are so fucked up. What makes me any different then a unadopted child. There is no difference but because I am adopted my rights are taken away. Pathetic. Adoptive parents that support this have no right adopting and your comment about letting the birthfather out of the picture concerns me. 

]]> By: Leslie http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-634 Leslie Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:00:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-634 Beautiful. Beautiful.

]]> By: Bedwelladopt http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-632 Bedwelladopt Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:59:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-632 Love it!  Best wishes to the two of you! Love it!  Best wishes to the two of you!

]]> By: Ann Wrixon http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2011/ten-things-adoptive-parents-and-birthmoms-have-in-common/comment-page-1/#comment-631 Ann Wrixon Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:38:00 +0000 http://adoptionhelp.org/blog/?p=999#comment-631 Amazing article!!!!!!! Amazing article!!!!!!!

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