Answer: It’s great that you want to include other members of the birth family in your life. First of all, your child cannot have too many people who love him or her!! In open adoption you expand your extended family, similar to enlarging your family through marriage. Birth family members are relatives because they are related to your child. Ongoing contact with them acknowledges this reality.

Some adoptive parents invite birth family members to their home for holiday events or birthday celebrations. Other possibilities include getting together for an annual summer picnic, inviting family members to attend your child’s sporting events, etc. Many families keep birth relatives in the loop with their activities through Facebook. In this way, they can easily see photos of your child over the years, as well as hear about the funny and interesting things that he or she does—such as a photo of your child in his or her Halloween costume or the first day of Kindergarten.

It’s also common for adopted children to be the flower girl or ring bearer at their birthmother’s wedding in subsequent years. This is always very special for all of you, as well as an opportunity to meet additional family members and form relationships with them

Grandparents play a special role in children’s lives. It’s wonderful that your child has the opportunity to have an extra set of grandparents. In fact, today with blended families, in addition to open adoption, it’s more and more common for children to have multiple sets of grandparents.

One birth grandmother I know loves to have her birth granddaughter visit at her house for special occasions, such as holiday time and holiday gift giving. As is typical in these situations, this birth grandmother considers both children in the adoptive family (her birth granddaughter and her sibling) to be her grandchildren. She always gives gifts or other treats to both children in the family. If you have additional children in your family (now or in the future) be sure to mention to the birth grandparents that you want them to be grandparents to all of your children.

Another birth grandmother told me recently that she treasures the annual visits she has with her Grandson Jack. She said “I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of Jack’s life. If my daughter had done a closed adoption, I wouldn’t have known Jack”. In my opinion, Jack is lucky, too, because he gets to know first hand the love of his birth family.

Most adopted children call their birth grandparents “Grandma Jane” or a mutually agreed upon name, such as “Grammy”. First, your parents and your spouse or partner’s parents decide what names they want to be called; afterward you can consider names for the birth grandparents. This is something you should discuss with the birth grandparents and come to a mutual agreement about what they will be called.

As we have discussed previously, children fare better with concrete information, rather than abstracts. Ongoing contact makes adoption concrete for children because the birthparents, birth grandparents and other family members are a concrete reality in their life. As a result, it’s much easier for him or her to understand adoption than it is for children with closed adoptions. Of course, as you discuss adoption with your child, be sure to explain that “Grandma Jane” is the mother of his or her birthmother.

Again, children cannot have too many people in their lives who love them!

Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW, is the IAC’s Associate Executive Director and Clinical Director. She is a nationally regarded expert, has written numerous groundbreaking books including “Dear Birthmother” and “Children of Open Adoption” and has advocated extensively for open adoption. Ms. Silber provides the IAC with clinical supervision.

It is scenarios like this that point to the need for written agreements, which provide concrete expectations and boundaries. Contact agreements are legally binding in many states. But, even in states where these agreements are not technically binding, some courts enforce them anyway. As a result, families need to think carefully about what they agree to and be sure that it is something they can live with for the next 18+ years. An adoption cannot be overturned because of either party’s failure to comply. However, if mediation becomes necessary, families have the right to say whether compliance with any of the conditions in the agreement is in the best interest of their child.

The written agreement should specify the type and frequency of contact in the baby’s first year and in later years. Usually the birthmother wants more frequent contact during the first year when she is grieving. It’s a good idea to specify the minimum amount of contact the parties will have over the years. For example, if the agreement includes face-to-face contact, discuss the number of visits, along with the duration and location of each visit. It’s a good idea to also include how special occasions will be handled. Does the birthmother want to visit at the child’s birthday or Christmas and bring gifts? Is the adoptive family OK with that?

If the adoptive parents and birthparents develop a good relationship prior to the adoption and trust each other, they can work out minor issues over the years without the necessity of a court getting involved. Good communication will be more important in the long run than any written agreements.

It’s important to remember that your parents are from a different generation where closed adoption and secrecy were the norm. In the past birthmothers were typically viewed negatively for being pregnant out of wedlock and for “giving away” or “abandoning” their children.

Your parents may also view the birthmother as a threat—someone who could change her mind and take away your baby, leaving you in pain. So some of their worries stem from their desire to protect you.

In reality a birthmother is much less likely to change her mind and reclaim a child if she has the peace of mind that is inherent in open adoption. In open adoption, birthparents select the adoptive parents and have an ongoing relationship with them. Birthparents know first hand that their child will have a good life.

To move past their stereotypes and fears, your parents will have to learn more about open adoption. It’s an evolutionary journey—for adoptive parents and their families. Think about what convinced you that open adoption was right for you. Was there a particular book that helped dispel any myths you had? If so, lend it to your families. Share photographs, letters and information so the birthmother becomes a real person to them. Even better would be for family members to meet her in person.

As family members learn more about open adoption, they will realize that the birthmother is not a threat. Fears and stereotypes are replaced by a loving reality.

This age group struggles to understand why they were placed for adoption, and there is a tendency to blame themselves. For example, “I was an ugly baby, “I cried too much” and so on.

1. The child needs to understand that the adoption decision was based on the birthparents’ circumstances and that they were not able to parent ANY child. This removes the burden of responsibility from the child.
2. Grief is an issue at this age (typically ages 5-8). Suddenly the child realizes that he/she “lost” someone—that he/she had another set of parents before the adoptive parents—and he/she grieves for this loss. This is normal! The child will experience stages of grieving (anger, depression and so on) similar to adjusting to the death of a loved one. Children will be able to successfully work though this stage if parents help them verbalize their feelings.
3. Permanence is also an issue at this age. It is important to emphasize the permanence of adoption and his/her family. Parents can explain the commitment involved in being a family. When contact with birthparents is ongoing the birthparents can also provide reassurance to the child of the permanence of his/her family. For example, the birthmother could say “I wish I could have been your forever Mommy but I couldn’t, and that is why I chose your Mommy and Daddy to be your parents.”
4. School age children don’t want to be different from their peers. Parents can explain that he/she is not different, but there are numerous ways in which families are formed.

During the school age years parents should continue to talk openly with their child about his/her adoption.

1. From the beginning, adoption should be a household word and subject that is discussed comfortably in the home.
2. Talking openly about adoption aids in the adoptive parents’ comfort level with this topic.
3. The child will have a positive association with the word adoption, even though he/she does not grasp its full meaning.
4. The child will understand that the word adoption applies to him/her, even if he/she cannot pronounce it correctly. For example, “I adopted.”
5. This openness lays the groundwork for positive self-esteem connected with the word adoption, which, in turn, facilitates understanding in the school age years.

One of the parents’ tasks in the pre school years is to create an atmosphere that gives their child permission to ask questions about adoption. If they talk about the subject periodically and seem comfortable talking about birthparents, the child will realize that it is OK for him/her to ask questions and verbalize curiosities.

We encourage parents of pre-school children to discuss adoption in a simple manner. It helps to remember that he/she needs concrete information at this age because he/she cannot grasp abstract concepts. Parents can share photos of the birthparents so the child has something specific to connect to the word ”birthparents.” Or if there are visits, the child will see the birthparents as a concrete reality in his/her life, similar to other caring relatives who come to visit.

As a result, most birthmothers don’t feel entitled to celebrate on Mother’s Day. Typically, they feel sad on this day when everyone is celebrating the joy of motherhood. The birthmother’s role in the child’s life is not generally acknowledged by society. Friends and family do not recognize birthmothers on Mother’s Day. People don’t send them Mother’s Day cards.

Birthmother’s Day was designated in 1990 by a group of birthmothers to acknowledge the role of birthmothers. For more information visit the BirthMomBuds website.

This day of celebration (the day before Mother’s Day) was set to help support birthmothers in acknowledging the choice they made for their child and the special role they play in their child’s life. The goal is to help birthmothers feel positive about themselves and also provide support to each other.

Some groups have special celebrations on Birthmother’s Day. For example, candle lighting, reading poems, music, etc., all honoring the role of birthmothers.

Many adoptive parents honor their children’s birthmothers on this day, too—sending flowers or a card with recent photos of their child. There are special Birthmother’s Day cards available through the BirthMomBuds website or families can create their own. If the child is old enough to participate in honoring his/her birthmother, he/she can sign the card or include a drawing or letter to go along with the card.