I totally disagree with the suggestion that babies should spend the first six weeks of their life with their birthmothers. Adopted infants should be placed with the adopting parents at hospital discharge so that bonding and attachment will be facilitated. We know from experience in the foster care field that there can be serious mental health and attachment problems for children who experience moves during infancy. Moving a baby at six weeks of age would not be in the child’s best interest.

I do agree, however, that it is important for the baby to have a smooth the transition from the birthmother to the adopting parents. This is best handled with an open adoption. In open adoption the adopting parents and birthparents develop a relationship during the pregnancy that will continue over the lifespan of the adoption. The baby hears the adopting parents’ voices while he/she is still in the womb. As a result, their voices are familiar to him/her when he/she is placed with them. The birthmother visits with the adoptive parents during the early weeks so the baby continues to hear his/her birthmother’s voice, as well.

There are other ways to facilitate a smooth transition for the baby in an open adoption. For example, the birthmother can make a recording of her voice or a recording of her singing a song that she sang to the baby while she was pregnant. The adopting parents can play the recording of the birthmother’s song during the early weeks. The birthmother can also give the family a stuffed animal that she held or slept with during the pregnancy. Having this stuffed animal in the baby’s crib provides him/her with her smell. This and other creative ways help ease the transition for the baby.

With open adoptions all parties are working together for a smooth transition and adjustment for the baby.

“Adopted individuals have the right to know about their genetic history and the reasons for their adoptive placement, “ explained Ann Wrixon, IAC  Executive Director. “All adoptees have basic questions such as ‘Who do I look like?’ and ‘Why was I placed?’ Unfortunately, state legislatures outlawed the right to this information during the years of closed adoption with the permanent sealing of all records pertaining to the adoption.”

Today the majority of voluntary adoptions are open adoptions, where the parties involved maintain ongoing contact over the years, thereby eliminating the need for adult adoptees to have to go to court to obtain their birth records.  Birthparents and adopting parents typically meet before the baby is born and continue to have ongoing contact over the years. This contact may vary from periodic written communication to visits in person once or twice/year or more frequently.  With open adoption, the child does not struggle with unanswered questions or a lack of information about his or her history. Instead, he or she has answers and information on an ongoing basis. This promotes better mental health for the child, as well as the other parties to the adoption.

In open adoptions, in order to protect the rights of all parties, the IAC supports legally enforceable open adoption agreements. These agreements don’t hinder the relationship between the adoptive parents and birthparents in any way; they simply outline what the parties themselves have agreed to. These agreements preserve the rights of all members of the adoption triad.

The goal of both open records and open adoption is to provide all adopted individuals with the same basic human rights as other citizens, as well as to promote better mental health for all parties to the adoption.

~ Excerpt from Adam Pertman in, “New Realities in the Extended Family: Who Is the Woman Celebrating Thanksgiving with Your Next-Door Neighbors?”

Did I plan to have a child at this particular juncture in my life? In all honesty, no. I married my husband when I was 39 and tried to have a child right away. Add on six years, or six IVF cycles with two pregnancy losses, before my lifelong dreams of motherhood finally came true.

I am frequently asked by clients and others what it is like to become a mother at midlife. I explain, frankly, that I haven’t experienced it any other way. Ariel is my one and only child. I also explain that motherhood, no matter when it enters your life, will offer benefits and challenges.

Benefits:

• I was ready to be selfless. Ariel arrived when I was very ready, maybe more than ready, to be a mother. Some of the things I had accomplished in my twenties and thirties would have been very difficult with the responsibility of a child.
• I gained patience. Looking back on my younger self, I was not always the very patient person that I am now. Not only is my newfound patience very handy in raising my own child, it also comes in handy volunteering in my daughter’s second grade class with 29 other seven-year-olds.
• I learned to be transparent. In 40 years I learned a great deal about nurturing healthy relationships and what does and doesn’t work. If Ariel has a question, I always answer her and with complete honesty. This open and interactive dialogue we share enables her to trust me.

Challenges:

• At 52, and in good health, I could still use more energy. No matter how hard I try, I never seem to catch up on sleep. Low energy levels are managed by eating healthy, exercising, nurturing your spirituality, and consuming plentiful doses of coffee each day. For me, it is very important to nurture myself spiritually by attending church, meditating, and keeping a journal. For others walking in nature can be soothing and connecting. Once in a while, a trip to the spa can’t hurt either!
• I worry. But then again, what parent doesn’t? My husband and I worry about missing out on Ariel’s milestones: her college graduation, her wedding day, giving birth to our grandchildren. At the end of the day, we know that we’ve done all we can to prepare for the “What ifs..” and that Ariel was meant to be our daughter. This inner knowing seems to settle our worries.

Being a midlife parent also comes with incongruities. Take for example the mail we receive. Among the many envelopes and magazines, there is always yet another invitation to join AARP along with my seven-year-old daughter’s Highlights magazine. I am also sorting out how it feels to have my insides — my passionate, energetic, silly me — not always reflected in the mirror. While I “look good for my age,” the effects of living for 52 years have begun to appear in the softening skin on my neck, the little brown spots on the back of my hands  that I can no longer convince myself are freckles, and the soft lines outlining the outsides of my green eyes — the result of many happy smiles over the years.

As much as I’d like to offer you one, I don’t have a recipe for midlife parenting. In fact, I have as many questions as I do answers. I am figuring out this life, and motherhood, one day at a time, just like many of you.

Personal Biography:
Kelli is a 52 year old midlife adoptive mom, Open Domestic Adoption Coach, nature photographer and gourmet cook in training!  After her own unexpectedly long journey to motherhood, she loves her work in helping other couples or singles navigate the process of domestic open adoption. More can be found about Kelli on her web site http://www.parentingbyadoption.com

Adoption attorneys usually specialize in adoption, and are frequently members of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. These attorneys specialize in adoption and have special skills and training in family law. They must follow the adoption law proscribed in the family code for their state.

Agencies can do every part of the adoption through the court report. An attorney usually files for finalization, but a paralegal or the adoptive family can also do this paperwork. Attorneys usually refer their clients to agencies for home studies, as most states require someone with a Masters in Social Work to complete the home study. As you can see, agencies and attorneys must cooperate with one another on an adoption, but you will need to decide who you will hire as the primary support through this process.

Agencies tend to focus on counseling. Social workers primarily staff adoption agencies, but sometimes law firms also hire social workers to help with counseling concerns that come up in adoptions. Adoption agencies are nonprofit while most adoption attorneys run for-profit businesses.

In general, I recommend that families talk to both agencies and adoption attorneys. Once they have established that an agency is licensed and that the adoption attorney is reputable, they can choose whom to work with based on whom they feel most comfortable with.

In most states, a birthfather that is married to the birthmother has equal rights to the child. What this means is that he must agree to the adoption plan or there is no adoption. This is true even if he is not the biological father.

An unmarried birthfather may or may not have legal rights to his biological child. In some states, he has the same rights as a married birthfather. In other states, his rights depend on the actions he takes or does not take to claim paternity. Every state has different rules for how an unmarried birthfather declares paternity.

Most agencies, like the IAC, will contact the birthfather and try to get him to participate in the adoption planning even if he does not have any legal rights to the child. The reasons for this are two-fold. First, it is ethical to inform the birthfather of his rights. Secondly, birthfathers play an important role for adoptive children as they have half of the child’s medical, social, cultural and racial/ethnic history. This is information that birthmothers often do not have.

Finally, whether or not a birthfather will cooperate in an adoption, it is vitally important to legally terminate his rights. It is imperative to work with your agency and/or attorney to ensure termination is legally secure. If there is more than one possible birthfather, proceed with termination of parental rights for all of them.

As most people know, a home study is the first step in an adoption for potential adoptive parents. Most, but not all, states require that a home study be completed by a social worker who has a Masters in Social Work (MSW). Most home studies are completed by social workers employed by an adoption agency. Adoption attorneys usually refer their clients to adoption agencies to complete their home study.

Social workers also play an important role in the matching process at the IAC. They facilitate the match meeting where discussion about everything from the hospital plan to the post adoption contact happen. Attorney adoptions may or may not involve a social worker in the matching process.

In both agency and attorney adoptive placements, once a baby is in an adoptive home a social worker does the post placement supervision that is required before finalization. Social workers also take the relinquishments from the birth parents, which permanently terminate their rights.

Perhaps the most important role that social workers play at the IAC is providing counseling to both birth and adoptive families. The IAC provides non-directive counseling for birthparents. This means that we do not push adoption. We help the potential birthparent to make the choice that is best for them. If they decide to make an adoption plan a social worker provides them with counseling throughout the process, and the IAC provides lifetime support to birthparents.

Adoption is often emotionally difficult for adoptive parents as well. At the IAC social workers provide both education and counseling for adoptive parents. This support is often helpful as families work through grief relating to infertility or sometime families need help with the anxiety that the adoption process can provoke.

As you can see, social workers play an important role in adoption, which is why the IAC has more than 20 social workers on staff. The IAC is committed to ensuring that that we provide all of the professional support that both birth and adoptive families need during the adoption process.

First, to narrow down your options make sure the agency has a license from the Dept. of Social Services or the equivalent state agency in your state. Ask what states and counties they have a license to operate. Some agencies may only work in one or a few counties of the state(s) where they are licensed. The Independent Adoption Center (IAC) is a full-service agency with a license to operate in every county in California, Texas, Georgia, Indiana, and North Carolina. We also have limited licenses to operate in New York and Connecticut.

The best alternative is to work with a full-service agency licensed throughout the state where you live, but this is not always possible. If you cannot find a full-service agency in your state, you can work with a licensed agency in another state and have an agency in your state complete your home study and post placement supervision. IAC works with families in 37 states.

The next step is to contact the agency. Have them email, or mail you a packet of information. If you live near by go to the information session. If not, see if you can set up a conference call to get your questions answered. Some of the questions you should ask include: how long is the average waiting period for a placement? What are the agency’s fees, and what additional costs can I expect to pay? What is the refund policy? What are the credentials of the counselors on staff?

Also, ask about the philosophy of the agency. For example, the IAC is a counseling-based agency committed to fully open adoptions, and does not have any exclusionary policies for adoptive parents based on sexual orientation, religion, martial status, race, national origin or any other reason. It is also important to find out how long the agency has been in business. A long history indicates that the agency is both stable and successful. The IAC has successfully operated for 28 years.

The final step is to talk with as many reputable agencies as you can, and to attend a minimum of two or three information sessions or conference calls. This will allow you get a feel for each agency. Every licensed, well-established agency is a good agency, but each is good for different families. At this point, you can trust your gut. You have done your homework, and you can make your decision based on which agency feels like the best fit for your family.

This age group struggles to understand why they were placed for adoption, and there is a tendency to blame themselves. For example, “I was an ugly baby, “I cried too much” and so on.

1. The child needs to understand that the adoption decision was based on the birthparents’ circumstances and that they were not able to parent ANY child. This removes the burden of responsibility from the child.
2. Grief is an issue at this age (typically ages 5-8). Suddenly the child realizes that he/she “lost” someone—that he/she had another set of parents before the adoptive parents—and he/she grieves for this loss. This is normal! The child will experience stages of grieving (anger, depression and so on) similar to adjusting to the death of a loved one. Children will be able to successfully work though this stage if parents help them verbalize their feelings.
3. Permanence is also an issue at this age. It is important to emphasize the permanence of adoption and his/her family. Parents can explain the commitment involved in being a family. When contact with birthparents is ongoing the birthparents can also provide reassurance to the child of the permanence of his/her family. For example, the birthmother could say “I wish I could have been your forever Mommy but I couldn’t, and that is why I chose your Mommy and Daddy to be your parents.”
4. School age children don’t want to be different from their peers. Parents can explain that he/she is not different, but there are numerous ways in which families are formed.

During the school age years parents should continue to talk openly with their child about his/her adoption.

1. From the beginning, adoption should be a household word and subject that is discussed comfortably in the home.
2. Talking openly about adoption aids in the adoptive parents’ comfort level with this topic.
3. The child will have a positive association with the word adoption, even though he/she does not grasp its full meaning.
4. The child will understand that the word adoption applies to him/her, even if he/she cannot pronounce it correctly. For example, “I adopted.”
5. This openness lays the groundwork for positive self-esteem connected with the word adoption, which, in turn, facilitates understanding in the school age years.

One of the parents’ tasks in the pre school years is to create an atmosphere that gives their child permission to ask questions about adoption. If they talk about the subject periodically and seem comfortable talking about birthparents, the child will realize that it is OK for him/her to ask questions and verbalize curiosities.

We encourage parents of pre-school children to discuss adoption in a simple manner. It helps to remember that he/she needs concrete information at this age because he/she cannot grasp abstract concepts. Parents can share photos of the birthparents so the child has something specific to connect to the word ”birthparents.” Or if there are visits, the child will see the birthparents as a concrete reality in his/her life, similar to other caring relatives who come to visit.