1. Know the differences in the types of adoption services available.

Many large adoption agencies don’t specialize in just one type of adoption.  For instance, they may have a domestic adoption program (adopting a child born in the United States), a foster care program, and an international adoption program too.  You should make sure the agency you choose is well versed in the type of adoption you want.  Any agency that attempts to persuade you to choose another type of adoption may not have adequate resources in that area, or they may be attempting to fill gaps in their programs.  Another thing to note is that not all agencies can provide services in all regions.  Most international agencies complete adoptions in only certain countries, and many domestic adoption agencies cannot process out-of-state adoptions.  This is important because you want an agency that can meet the needs of both birthparents and adoptive parents living in different areas.

2. Learn the difference between open and closed adoptions.

There are closed adoptions (situations where birthparents and adoptive families do not have any information about each other), semi-open adoptions (in which all communications between birthparents and adoptive parents go through the agency), and open adoptions (where everyone communicates openly, honestly, and freely without the agency’s intervention).  As research on adoption has progressed over the years, it has become clear that open adoption is the healthiest form of adoption for everyone involved.  Still, some agencies offer closed and semi-open adoptions as part of their program.  If you have doubts about how or why open adoption works the way it does, contact an agency to get more information. There are many myths about open adoption that are easily dispelled, and a good adoption counselor can help you learn about this.

To find an agency committed to openness, be sure to ask questions regarding how communication between birthfamilies and adoptive families is handled. Birthparents wanting an open adoption should look for agencies that are comfortable with open adoption and do not have policies that limit their communications with their adoptive family.

3. Be aware of the policies of your potential adoption agency.

Many agencies have exclusionary policies that limit what types of families are able to adopt through the agency.  For example, some place limits on who they will accept into their program based on age, religion, marital status, or sexual orientation. Equality is an important and traditional value. Make sure your agency reflects the same values you have.

Find out what the agency will charge for their services. The fee’s at some agencies can limit adoption to only the very wealthy, while others will offer a sliding-scale fee structure to make adoption available for more families. At the same time, make sure the agency you choose offers all the services you will need to complete your adoption. If there are drastic cost differences, make sure the cheaper option is not at the expense of full service.

4. Research the support and services offered by your potential agency.

Adoption is a big decision, and birthparents should be offered professional counseling to assist them throughout the adoption process.  Make sure your potential agency offers counseling and support to the birthparents they work with.

Adoptive parents also need professional & caring staff to assist with the paper work, legal process, and emotions associated with adoption.  A qualified counselor is paramount to the success of an adoption placement.  Make sure to find someone who is knowledgeable, and can support you when you need to talk through a problem or question.

Hurry up and wait. I am not sure there is a better phrase to describe the adoption process. There is no known equation to determine how long the wait might last. The time spent waiting has the potential to lead some down a path of self-reflection and endless questioning. I often see posts made by other waiting families that have even started questioning whether they will become parents at all. An adoption agency, a facilitator, and an attorney put in a lot of effort in representing their waiting families equally and positively. A waiting family can and should help promote their wish to adopt. The goal is standing out to that one expecting mom.

There are countless articles, blogs and recommendations for what a person could and might want to do while waiting to meet an expecting family. Designing picture books and profile brochures. Printing business cards with all of your contact information. Email, Facebook and Twitter, oh my! A simple Google search will produce thousands of pages of families and people who are trying to navigate their way through adoption. When we wrote our first draft of our profile letter it was twice as long as our agency recommended. I must say it is very difficult to condense everything you want to say in fewer than 1,000 words.

Click to read the full article at The Next Family.

Project Fatherhood of Children’s Institute, Inc., in conjunction with the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s Family Services Program, is proud to announce the start of a new, weekly parent support group for GBTQ dads!

Interested in meeting other GBTQ dads? Looking for a safe space to have open & honest conversations about topics relevant to your parenting, &/or adoption experience? Welcome to the Project Fatherhood GBTQ dads support group! Each meeting features a specific parenting topic and provides an open space for dads to share their struggles, triumphs, and creative strategies and techniques that they have encountered on the journey through parenthood & adoption.

Free childcare is provided!
Every Monday
6 p.m. – 7:30 p.m.

The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s Village at Ed Gould Plaza
1125 N. McCadden Place
Los Angeles, CA 90038

Project Fatherhood of Children’s Institute, Inc. was developed to give urban, culturally diverse fathers an opportunity to connect with their children and play a more meaningful role in their lives. For more information please call 213-260-7607 or visit www.projectfatherhood.org

How have holidays changed since adopting your daughter Kendall?
Our families have always gotten into the holiday spirit – decorations, trees, parties, food, eating, baking, big family gatherings; so I think having Kendall in our lives magnified it a bit more. I’m not sure we can say it changed anything, but it’s definitely better and has more of the child magic that seems to come around this time of year. Kendall is my helping buddy when it comes to decorating of course, and my shopping buddy to go get a “few” more decorations for the home. Everything we do, she is included and a part of, from putting up the outside lights, to putting decorations on the tree. She just makes everything better!! And our hope is that she will have some same great memories that both Danny and I did when we were growing up!!

I definitely take more photos. A ton. Like over 500+ just in a 10 day visit to Washington. Kendall has been photographed EVERY day of her life since she joined our family.  So I guess during the holidays I just take a few more. I know, I just can’t get enough of her and I just want her to remember.

How has it’s importance grown?
The holidays are very important to our family. Living far away from most of our family (our parents and most of our siblings live in Washington) is hard, but we have managed to go “home” for Christmas every year since Kendall’s birth. I would like Kendall to be around as much family as possible during Christmas so that she can build memories with some of the BEST people in the WORLD!! We typically spend 10 fun filled days in Washington, hopping from house to house (which is how it was before Kendall) visiting, eating and catching up. Kendall has 3 sets of grandparents whom I feel she is very close with all of them; a true blessing (and thanks to Skype). Christmas is a chance for Kendall to be around most of her extended family and I truly LOVE watching her interact with her grandparents, cousins and my best friends’ children.

What new traditions have you created?
This is our first year with Elf on a Shelf, his name is Blitz and we have enjoyed having him in the family this year. Kendall seems to like him too and usually finds him all by herself. It’s been fun sharing something completely new to all of us this year!! We find Blitz adorable and very helpful.

So, Danny’s family and mine have always driven around in the cars at night looking at Christmas lights when we were young, and even maybe a bit when we were older and in college. And it has been an absolute joy to take Kendall around each year to look at lights. Terms such as “Oh. My. Gosh. That’s beautiful” and “That’s amazing” are commonly used as we hit up different neighborhoods a couple of times a week. So although this may not be new, it is very special.

Finally, our family started participating in “Light em’ Up,” random acts of kindness to do in your community to light it up!! You can visit the site here: http://lillightomine.com/light-em-up-12—the-back-story.php. I found it on Pinterest and Kendall and I have had a TON of fun doing this project!! Kendall isn’t the typical kid (yet?) who wants everything she sees, so it wasn’t about getting HER to focus on giving to others, but more about teaching US how GREAT it can feel do to simple gestures of thanks. This has become a teaching tool in reaching out to those around us who make our lives better EVERY DAY!! From the guy that gets the stranded carts in the parking lots, to the firefighters, by simply letting them know we appreciate them. We make it a teachable moment as well and get to have a lot of fun doing it!!! We have emailed it to our family and friends, along with posting it on Facebook!! We are hoping that it inspires others to join in and “Light Up” their communities as well.

Obviously these traditions are special to our family because we are all participating; we discuss with Danny when he gets home and share the experiences we have had. We will all get to participate when we do a little sharing once he is off of work and we are on our way to Washington, and when we are able to be together. So much fun!!!

Share what celebrating the holidays means to you and your family:
All the holidays are so much better. Kendall has made the holidays more special because we get to see her face light up when we decorate. She lights up seeing Christmas lights, Santa at the mall, and all the great Christmas shows during this time of year. We watch the classics such as Rudolph, to the fun new shows like “Prep & Landing.” She lights up when we go into stores and sees all the twinkly lights and sparkly decorations. These are the things that make my heart happy. I am also a picture-taking freak, so with the billions of photos I take, we get to relive them and laugh, and relive all those special moments. It’s amazing to see how she has changed and grown. AMAZING!!

The holidays are a chance to share special traditions with her that our parents did with us. It’s also a chance to get together with ALL of our family once a year and make new memories. It absolutely is the BEST TIME OF YEAR!!

When we started our second adoption journey, we thought a lot about the result of our first one – our son, Uriah.

Looking at us as a family, Uriah stood out because he is African-American and the rest of us, including our daughters, Natalie and Siri, are Caucasian. Also, there’s a nine-year age difference between Uriah and his sisters.

So, we figured, if we were to going to adopt again, we should try to adopt another boy, with at least some racial mixture in him, of around the same age.

The agency we had worked with in adopting Uriah said it rarely attracted older children, so we decided to work through the state system in Ohio, where we live.

At the end of a four-year journey, we ended up with what we originally wanted. Malachi entered our family on July 24, 2011, and his adoption was finalized on Aug. 14, 2012.

So, you might wonder, why did it take four years? Therein lies our tale – a tale that might seem strange to nonadoptive parents, but rings true to those who have added to their families by nontraditional means.

It was an odyssey that included dalliances with the state adoption system, the foster care system and the independent adoption of newborns.

It was a journey laden with frustration, near-despair, interminable waits and unexpected costs, but – finally – success. Adoption is only successful if you keep focused on your goal, no matter how elusive that goal sometimes seems.

You can read the rest of the article on The Sharon Herald’s website.

“Although it was many years ago, I still remember it better than yesterday. I was probably five or six. We had been out past my bedtime and I had fallen asleep on the long ride home. Upon arriving home I awakened, but did not stir. Instead I did what is sometimes typical of children: I played “possum.” I pretended to be asleep so that someone would carry me into the house and put me to bed.

Dad was a genuinely kind man. He had an active work life as a postal carrier, delivering mail and walking typically 4-5 miles each workday. It wasn’t in his nature to say many cross words to another person. Even though he had worked hard and was probably exhausted after a long day, Dad still picked up his tired son, carried him into the house, and put him to bed.”

To read the rest of the blog click here: Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt

• Photo must be of your child in his or her Halloween costume (Please note: By submitting any photos, you give IAC permission to reproduce them online and in promotional materials.)
• To enter you must be a current or alumni IAC family
• All entries will be added to our Facebook photo album
• The winner will be the photo that gets the most Facebook “likes”
• The winning photo will be determined on November 2nd, at 12pm PST.
• Send all photo entries to contests@adoptionhelp.org

Good luck!

“This is the mantra that has been on my mind the past few weeks. I love Dory from Finding Nemo. For all her faults, she is fearless and persistent. Surrounded by deep murky waters with unknown dangers, she doesn’t give up. Instead she hums a simple tune and keeps on swimming, trusting that everything will work out in the end. And her courage and tenacity doesn’t just help her own journey along, it also encourages Marlin to not give up hope.

So often I find myself weary of waiting. Waiting sucks! There’s really not a nicer way to describe it. We would all like to have a smooth, easy journey to parenthood, but for most adoptive couples the journey is more like a swim upstream against the current. There are disappointments, delays, and detours. There are days when it seems like it will never happen. There are days when hope is hard to find. Those are the days we especially need to take a deep breath and keep on swimming.”

To read the rest of the blog click here: Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt

It’s not uncommon for TV shows to throw in a surprise twist for their season finale. The same could be said of the ABC hit comedy Modern Family a couple weeks ago. The episode brought the adoption storyline of Cam and Mitchell back to life as the two received notice from their adoption agency that a birthmother had selected them. It also turned out that she had gone into early labor that day. Cam and Mitchell work their way to the hospital on the other side of town, some comedy ensues, and the episode ends on a sour note for them when the birth-grandmother decides to raise the child at the last moment. The decision is devastating for the couple.

As an adoption agency ourselves, we thought we would take a closer look inside this episode’s adoption storyline to give people some further insight as to when and how often this kind of situation happens.

First, at the Independent Adoption Center we have the “Last Minute Hospital List”: a list of adoptive parents ready to be considered in cases where a birthmother decides on adoption while giving birth at the hospital. We send a counselor to the hospital along with the adoptive parents letters for the mother to read through and make her decision. We have even had cases where the birthmother wasn’t aware she was pregnant until she was going into labor. We’ve seen many cases where adoptive parents are notified the day of birth, but haven’t yet seen a situation involving such a close resemblance to a Mexican Soap Opera.

While there are incidences of a birthmother changing her mind at the hospital, this is actually pretty rare. Only about 2% of birthmother’s decide to parent after initially placing their child in an open adoption. Much of the counseling we provide to birthparents is geared towards helping them figure out the best choice for them and their baby. This helps keep to a minimum the chance of a last-minute change of heart, because those birthparents who have a desire to parent are pointed towards resources to help them do so.

We were glad to see the adoption storyline back on Modern Family for this season’s finale. Be sure to keep tuned to our blog for more insight into how adoption scenarios are portrayed on TV and in movies.

Answer: It’s great that you want to include other members of the birth family in your life. First of all, your child cannot have too many people who love him or her!! In open adoption you expand your extended family, similar to enlarging your family through marriage. Birth family members are relatives because they are related to your child. Ongoing contact with them acknowledges this reality.

Some adoptive parents invite birth family members to their home for holiday events or birthday celebrations. Other possibilities include getting together for an annual summer picnic, inviting family members to attend your child’s sporting events, etc. Many families keep birth relatives in the loop with their activities through Facebook. In this way, they can easily see photos of your child over the years, as well as hear about the funny and interesting things that he or she does—such as a photo of your child in his or her Halloween costume or the first day of Kindergarten.

It’s also common for adopted children to be the flower girl or ring bearer at their birthmother’s wedding in subsequent years. This is always very special for all of you, as well as an opportunity to meet additional family members and form relationships with them

Grandparents play a special role in children’s lives. It’s wonderful that your child has the opportunity to have an extra set of grandparents. In fact, today with blended families, in addition to open adoption, it’s more and more common for children to have multiple sets of grandparents.

One birth grandmother I know loves to have her birth granddaughter visit at her house for special occasions, such as holiday time and holiday gift giving. As is typical in these situations, this birth grandmother considers both children in the adoptive family (her birth granddaughter and her sibling) to be her grandchildren. She always gives gifts or other treats to both children in the family. If you have additional children in your family (now or in the future) be sure to mention to the birth grandparents that you want them to be grandparents to all of your children.

Another birth grandmother told me recently that she treasures the annual visits she has with her Grandson Jack. She said “I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of Jack’s life. If my daughter had done a closed adoption, I wouldn’t have known Jack”. In my opinion, Jack is lucky, too, because he gets to know first hand the love of his birth family.

Most adopted children call their birth grandparents “Grandma Jane” or a mutually agreed upon name, such as “Grammy”. First, your parents and your spouse or partner’s parents decide what names they want to be called; afterward you can consider names for the birth grandparents. This is something you should discuss with the birth grandparents and come to a mutual agreement about what they will be called.

As we have discussed previously, children fare better with concrete information, rather than abstracts. Ongoing contact makes adoption concrete for children because the birthparents, birth grandparents and other family members are a concrete reality in their life. As a result, it’s much easier for him or her to understand adoption than it is for children with closed adoptions. Of course, as you discuss adoption with your child, be sure to explain that “Grandma Jane” is the mother of his or her birthmother.

Again, children cannot have too many people in their lives who love them!

Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW, is the IAC’s Associate Executive Director and Clinical Director. She is a nationally regarded expert, has written numerous groundbreaking books including “Dear Birthmother” and “Children of Open Adoption” and has advocated extensively for open adoption. Ms. Silber provides the IAC with clinical supervision.