It’s not uncommon for TV shows to throw in a surprise twist for their season finale. The same could be said of the ABC hit comedy Modern Family a couple weeks ago. The episode brought the adoption storyline of Cam and Mitchell back to life as the two received notice from their adoption agency that a birthmother had selected them. It also turned out that she had gone into early labor that day. Cam and Mitchell work their way to the hospital on the other side of town, some comedy ensues, and the episode ends on a sour note for them when the birth-grandmother decides to raise the child at the last moment. The decision is devastating for the couple.

As an adoption agency ourselves, we thought we would take a closer look inside this episode’s adoption storyline to give people some further insight as to when and how often this kind of situation happens.

First, at the Independent Adoption Center we have the “Last Minute Hospital List”: a list of adoptive parents ready to be considered in cases where a birthmother decides on adoption while giving birth at the hospital. We send a counselor to the hospital along with the adoptive parents letters for the mother to read through and make her decision. We have even had cases where the birthmother wasn’t aware she was pregnant until she was going into labor. We’ve seen many cases where adoptive parents are notified the day of birth, but haven’t yet seen a situation involving such a close resemblance to a Mexican Soap Opera.

While there are incidences of a birthmother changing her mind at the hospital, this is actually pretty rare. Only about 2% of birthmother’s decide to parent after initially placing their child in an open adoption. Much of the counseling we provide to birthparents is geared towards helping them figure out the best choice for them and their baby. This helps keep to a minimum the chance of a last-minute change of heart, because those birthparents who have a desire to parent are pointed towards resources to help them do so.

We were glad to see the adoption storyline back on Modern Family for this season’s finale. Be sure to keep tuned to our blog for more insight into how adoption scenarios are portrayed on TV and in movies.

Lynn is a mother to five sons. After her second marriage, Lynn was unable to have more biological children. A surrogate carried her youngest twin sons, but she and her husband went through the adoption process. This is required when either the sperm or the egg donor is unknown.

Not only does Lynn have experience as an adoptive mother, but she also works locally in Alabama supporting young women who have an unplanned pregnancy. She suggests they look at IAC’s web site and other resources where they receive non-directive counseling about their options.

Please take two minutes to view Lynn talking about her commitment to adoption and the IAC. There are also beautiful photos of Lynn and her family, including the surrogate mother who gave birth to her youngest sons.

You can also find out much more about Lynn and her work as Mrs. Alabama International 2011 by visiting her web site.

Even if your child’s birthmother doesn’t want a relationship right now, it doesn’t hurt to send her a card or a gift that shows her that you are thinking about her. It’s important for her to know that you’re there if she ever wants to open up the lines of communication, afterall this is what open adoption is all about. Make sure it’s clear on the packaging that it is from you and she can choose whether she wants to open it.

If you know your child’s birthmother well or if you have an inkling that she might enjoy some of the following items, why not send something over? Here
are some ideas:

A Card or e-Card
A Letter and some photos
Gift Certificates (spas, restaurants, movies, coffee shops, clothing stores)
Flowers and candy
Jewelry
Photo album or Scrapbook
Your Child’s Artwork
Invitation to Visit
Bath Kits and/or Lotions

And, if you need advice, it would be a good idea to ask the birthgrandma or grandpa if you know them. Or, you can always call your IAC counselor. I wish you all a memorable and happy Mother’s Day and Birthmother’s day!

Read More about Birthparent and Adoptive Parent Relationships in Open Adoption:
IAC Executive Director Ann Wrixon’s Personal Open Adoption Story
Why Open Adoption Agreement?
Open Adoption Magazine
Adoption Diaries

Twitter can be very effective at disseminating information widely and rapidly, but it can also be very overwhelming, as there are hundreds of tweets made per minute. Also with the invention of Twitter has come a whole slew of new vocab terms to learn. Visit the Twitter Help Center for a glossary of terms.

• Communicate effectively. Twitter thrives on communication. In order to make an impression, it is important to actively participate. If you use Twitter simply to post links to your website or blog, your presence will go unnoticed. In addition to making your posts, you need to reply to tweets that interest you and mention (link to) them in your own posts.




• Prompt conversation. Create compelling content that elicits a response. Don’t just tweet for the sake of tweeting. If you post a link in your tweet, preface it with a statement or question that creates interest so that your link is clicked and shared.




• Don’t over promote yourself. If all your tweets link back to you and your own website, you will lose credibility. The only way you will attract and maintain an interested audience is to post content that benefits or informs the masses. Your alias (ex: JoeAndMaryAdopt) and profile should be enough to convey your purpose for being on Twitter. This is not to say never link to yourself, but it should only be when you have new content to share.




• Follow relevant feeds. Search for topics that interest you and opt-in to follow their feeds. Every feed you follow will appear in your feed. You can also create lists if you want to organize the feeds you follow into categories.

IAC on Twitter: IACAdoptionHelp and AdoptionLove

You may also be interested in:
Part 1: Facebook Page Creation
Part 2: YouTube Video Creation

Women who call the IAC indicating that the only reason they want to make an adoption plan is because of financial problems are provided referrals to resources that can help them with housing, food, and other assistance. Of course, most situations are less clear-cut.

Women may express concern about their financial situation, but also indicate other reasons they want to make an adoption plan. Counselors at the IAC, and other agencies, explore all of the factors relating to their desire to place their baby for adoption. In particular, they ask the woman to imagine if all of their financial problems magically disappeared would they still make an adoption plan. If the answer is yes and the woman has other strong reasons for placement, the counselor will work with the woman on an adoption plan.

In situations like this, adoptive families need to be prepared to provide financial and emotional support to the birthparent(s) through the pregnancy and for a couple of months after the birth. Even more importantly, families need to be prepared for an ongoing relationship with a birthparent(s) who may face financial trouble throughout their life. This does not mean they will be asking the adoptive family for money. Although this does happen it is very rare. However, it can be hard to watch the birthparent(s) of your child struggle in this way. At a counseling-based agency, like the IAC, it is important for adoptive families to explore their feelings about a situation like this with your counselor before you commit to a match with birthparents facing financial hardship.

In most states, a birthfather that is married to the birthmother has equal rights to the child. What this means is that he must agree to the adoption plan or there is no adoption. This is true even if he is not the biological father.

An unmarried birthfather may or may not have legal rights to his biological child. In some states, he has the same rights as a married birthfather. In other states, his rights depend on the actions he takes or does not take to claim paternity. Every state has different rules for how an unmarried birthfather declares paternity.

Most agencies, like the IAC, will contact the birthfather and try to get him to participate in the adoption planning even if he does not have any legal rights to the child. The reasons for this are two-fold. First, it is ethical to inform the birthfather of his rights. Secondly, birthfathers play an important role for adoptive children as they have half of the child’s medical, social, cultural and racial/ethnic history. This is information that birthmothers often do not have.

Finally, whether or not a birthfather will cooperate in an adoption, it is vitally important to legally terminate his rights. It is imperative to work with your agency and/or attorney to ensure termination is legally secure. If there is more than one possible birthfather, proceed with termination of parental rights for all of them.

It is scenarios like this that point to the need for written agreements, which provide concrete expectations and boundaries. Contact agreements are legally binding in many states. But, even in states where these agreements are not technically binding, some courts enforce them anyway. As a result, families need to think carefully about what they agree to and be sure that it is something they can live with for the next 18+ years. An adoption cannot be overturned because of either party’s failure to comply. However, if mediation becomes necessary, families have the right to say whether compliance with any of the conditions in the agreement is in the best interest of their child.

The written agreement should specify the type and frequency of contact in the baby’s first year and in later years. Usually the birthmother wants more frequent contact during the first year when she is grieving. It’s a good idea to specify the minimum amount of contact the parties will have over the years. For example, if the agreement includes face-to-face contact, discuss the number of visits, along with the duration and location of each visit. It’s a good idea to also include how special occasions will be handled. Does the birthmother want to visit at the child’s birthday or Christmas and bring gifts? Is the adoptive family OK with that?

If the adoptive parents and birthparents develop a good relationship prior to the adoption and trust each other, they can work out minor issues over the years without the necessity of a court getting involved. Good communication will be more important in the long run than any written agreements.

First, let me clarify that I am referring to newborn adoptions. Unfortunately, there are many older children in the foster care system with few families willing or able to parent them. The Independent Adoption Center (IAC) only places infants for adoptions when voluntarily relinquished by their birthparents. As part of an open adoption process, birthparents chose the adoptive parents who will parent their child, and have contact with the family and child after placement.

Each year about 1,500 pregnant women call IAC who are considering adoption. The IAC provides non-directive counseling. We do not push adoption. About 225 or fifteen percent of these women will make an adoption plan. Most of the other women decide to parent. On the other side of the equation, about 6,000 potential adoptive parents contact the IAC each year, but only about four percent or 240 will decide that adoption through the IAC is the right choice for their family. As you can see the numbers of adoptive parents is only slightly larger than the number of placements each year.

Some of the potential adoptive parents that we talk to each year may decide to use another agency, do an international adoption or adopt from the foster care system. Others may become discouraged about adoption altogether or decide that adoption is not a good choice for their family. In any case, despite the huge interest in adoption it is clear that only a small percentage of families actually follow through on plans to adopt.

IAC welcomes any pregnant woman who is considering adoption or potential adoptive parent to email or call us. Although we understand that you may never place or adopt a child, we are more than happy to talk with you and help you make the best choice for your family.

In a recent interview Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer, MSW (the IAC’s Co-Branch Director in LA) and another adoption professional (Vicky) discuss: “How to Prepare an Adoptive Parent Profile for Domestic Adoption”. The interview sheds light on some tips and tricks adoption agencies use to guide their families on the road to success in domestic open adoption by helping them put together an effective adoptive parent profile. The interview was conducted by Dawn Davenport who hosts a radio talk show sponsored by Creating a Family, a nonprofit organization that provides education and resources for infertility and adoption. You can listen to the interview here.

Topics that are touched upon in the interview include the types of profiles an adoptive family can create, what expecting mothers considering adoption are looking for in an adoptive family, how to make your profile stand out, things to do and things to avoid when creating your profile and much more.

Among the many interesting points Guylaine and Vicky make, the best piece of knowledge that adopting families can take away from this interview is that the most important thing you can do when creating your adoptive parent profile is to BE GENUINE and BE YOU! You will hear it over and over again, that no expecting woman considering adoption is alike and she will have her own reasons for choosing a family to raise her child. So, try to relax, be yourself & have fun creating and updating your profile.

Please share this information! To birthparents: “What made you choose the family you chose? How did you find them?” To adoptive families, “Why did your child’s birthmother say she chose you?”

Birthmother’s Day is about taking the time to acknowledge the person who made your dream of becoming a family a reality. It is so important to take time out of our busy schedules to do something special and creative to express your gratitude.

So what are people doing to show birthmothers they care on this very special day? There are many birthmothers who don’t even know about Birthmother’s Day. So, a nice thing to do today would even be just calling them and wishing them well. Even the simplest of gestures goes a long way. How about making a collage, buying flowers, even sending a cute animated e-card and some pictures? What about a thoughtful letter or poem? Even if you can’t contact your child’s birthmom you can still honor her by telling your child the story of his/her adoption again, or for the first time, and answering any questions you can about their birthfamily.