Open Adoption Blog

Staying Positive in the Midst of Challenges

Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post by IAC’s waiting adoptive parent, Miriam Wolk, on staying positive regardless of the obstacles thrown in front of you.

staying-positive-amidst-challengesThe past two months have brought my husband and I two tough situations in our adoption journey. In June, we were matched with an expectant mother. We met her in person in July and all signs seemed to be pointing towards placing with us. However, a week later she delivered three weeks early and notified us by text that she had chosen to parent.

A week after this happened, we were surprised to discover that I was pregnant. This was something our doctors had said was most likely impossible without medical intervention. When I was approximately ten weeks along, the pregnancy ceased to be viable, and my doctors suggested I wait to see if I would miscarry naturally. Ultimately, I would need surgery. While we were waiting out the miscarriage, we received another contact from someone who had come across our adoption profile, but it was quickly discovered to be the beginning of a possible emotional scam and cut off contact.

Dealing with these disappointments in such a short amount of time has been a huge test for us on our adoption journey, but we have also learned quite a bit.

Build Your Support Army
While we didn’t feel comfortable publicly announcing our match, we did tell a few trusted friends and family. As part of the conversation, we were very open with them about different possibilities that could occur, including the expectant mother’s potential for choosing to parent. Having a core group of people in our lives that understood the potential outcomes, both positive and challenging on our end, was very helpful when our match fell through and we needed support.

We also had a strong base of support through our adoption Facebook page. While the main goal of our Facebook page was originally intended to get interest from potential expectant parents, it has also become great moral support for us to see how many of our friends and family are following our adoption journey and sharing our story with their networks. We didn’t discuss either the failed adoption or my miscarriage on our adoption page, but when I shared on my personal page that we had dealt with some challenges on our adoption journey (without getting into too many details) our friends and family’s comments and show of support were just what we needed.

Allow Time to Grieve and Recover
After both our failed adoption and miscarriage, my husband and I cocooned in our house. We ordered takeout and binge watched movies on Netflix. Having time with just the two of us together helped us work through our shock and sadness. We explained to our friends and family that we needed time with just the two of us and they were very understanding. I also found that journaling helped me to process my feelings. After our match fell through, I did a private writing exercise about the experience of our match from our first contact to the days after we found out the adoption wasn’t going through. Going through that writing exercise helped me process my feelings in a space where I felt emotionally safe.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help
One situation that was particularly challenging for me emotionally was a recent family wedding. This would be the first time we were seeing a large part of my husband’s family since my miscarriage, including our new nephew who was born the same week we learned my pregnancy had failed. Knowing that I would likely be overwhelmed at times, I confided my feelings to one of our cousins and she reassured me when I needed it. With a few baby showers and other family/child focused events on the horizon, I know I’ll likely have mixed emotions, and that it’s okay to share I’m feeling sad and that I might need someone to help me process these feelings.

Find Joy
While there was a part of me that would have been content to watch “Breaking Bad” on an endless loop while eating lots of ice cream, getting back to our normal life routine and looking for fun activities has helped us heal when I was ready. My husband has been playing guitar and jamming with his band, and I’ve been working on knitting projects and seeing movies with friends. We also went to my 20th high school reunion and have lots of plans to celebrate Halloween, including volunteering with our neighborhood parade and festivities, and attending some costume parties. This winter, we’ll volunteer to make meals for DC Central Kitchen and put together toiletry kits for shelters, something we’ve done together every year since we first met. Having fun things to look forward to is helping us focus on the future and positive things to come.

Take Small Steps
A failed adoption and miscarriage in such a short period of time left me feeling overwhelmed and powerless about our adoption hopes. For me, taking small, proactive steps on our adoption activities has helped me feel as if I’m regaining some control over the process. My husband and I reviewed the paperwork we needed to update our home study and made plans to renew our clearances. We also renewed our social media outreach efforts, including our first try with a paid Facebook ad to raise awareness about our profile. While we know that there’s no magic formula to make another match happen, these proactive steps are helping me feel excited about the future of our journey.

Recognize Our Strength
While the past few months have been very, very hard, my husband and I feel very fortunate for a number of reasons. We have each other, as well as wonderful family and friends who have been immensely supportive. We know that what we’ve been through will strengthen our marriage and make us better parents when the time comes.

To learn more about Miriam and her husband, Michael, visit their profile at:


5 Tips For a Smooth Adoption Letter Process


Businessman slipping on a banana

Are you about to start putting your adoption letter together?
Do you want to have a serious leg up on the competition?
Do you want to spend less time doing less work?

If you said “yes!” to these questions, I have a few tips I’d like to share with you.

There is a lot of information to be mindful of when beginning to pull your adoption letter content together — so much that you may notice us providing it to you in multiple formats: binders, videos, slideshows, meetings, paperwork, emails, etc. We do this because we understand how difficult it is to retain everything, and we don’t want you to miss anything.

Over the years, the Marketing and Design Associates have continued to implement new guidelines and update our videos/slideshows/binders in order to create a smoother adoption letter process. As clients ask questions, make comments, and find solutions to challenges, we learn from those moments and incorporate that knowledge in an effort to improve our efficiency for everyone.

From these efforts I’ve distilled a few tips that will save time, frustration and confusion. So here they are!

1. Keep the Letter Guidelines Nearby for Easy Reference
I know, this sounds obvious. However, with all the information you will be receiving, its useful to have the guidelines nearby as you prepare your letter. Its very important that your content is:

  • Within the maximum word count (we can’t edit it as effectively as you, so we’ll send it back).
  • Split into 7-10 sections, not in one big section.
  • Photos are clear and beautiful, not timestamped. No blurry photos of crying children please.

It can cost you time and frustration if we have to reiterate the same guidelines again with more detail, hoping to clear up any confusion.

2. Prepare for the Process with Patience
We all wish there were shortcuts through this process, but there just aren’t. Shortcut attempts we’ve seen include asking nicely for us to expedite your letter, calling so you can have your questions answered or feedback given via phone, saying you have a goal of being done by a certain date, sending incomplete content to get a “place in line” and sending the rest later, etc. We understand your urgency, and hope you understand everyone else feels this way too. So to prevent being frustrated later, prepare for and trust in our process.

3. Trust In Our Collective Expertise
The staff at IAC, including your Design Associate, are seasoned experts in this work. Sometimes clients disagree with us about the design of their letter/their photos/what text should be in the letter/etc. Usually, they end up accepting our feedback months later after a lot of back and forth. The letters from clients who put their full trust in us and give 100% end up getting into circulation more quickly, and typically go on to get matched quicker than average as well.

4. Personalize Your Content
In such a unique and personal type of letter, it isn’t possible for your Design Associate to write original content that adequately reflects your personality, quirks, lifestyle, relationship, etc. So, if you receive edits that will cause you to have to add more text, I sometimes give suggestions of things you could say. I would urge you to take those samples and come up with your own related content, or else you run the risk of sounding like the next family. You are a unique individual, with your own way of writing, and your own hobbies, family traditions, values, etc. – Make sure your letter shows it.

5. Present Your Best Self
Sometimes people will write a letter with the intent of being “genuine” or “real,” but when I read it, it just sounds negative. We talk so much about showing your true self in the letter that some people interpret this as meaning that they need to warn potential birthparents of certain perceived character flaws (“I talk WAY too much, and sometimes go off on tangents for hours!”) or unnecessary backstory (“I got divorced last year after 10 years of marriage, but I am now ready to start this journey of being a single mother”). Instead, realize that 99% of the time, that stuff won’t matter to a birthparent in real life, but at the same time, they may create a mental “pros and cons” list while reading and move on to another family that has no negative content in their letter.

I hope these five tips help you to put together the best letter possible. At the very least, you will save time and effort, and get into circulation a little bit quicker.


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Managing The “Mom Factor” As Same-Sex Parents

Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post by one of IAC’s waiting adoptive couples, Lance Klug & Juan Beltran, on being two dads and fulfilling the “mom role” as parents.

picture-16274-8582423b0db839aec7f21e63cbdf91b2“Which one of you is the mom?”

It hasn’t happened yet, but judging from all of the literature I’ve read in the first year of our adoption journey, I know the question is coming. Some gay dads find it offensive and get defensive, others struggle with the question themselves. For me and my husband, it was something we talked through extensively when we first started thinking about starting a family. It’s a loaded question filled with complexities, but by the end of our conversation the answer was obvious.

I like to think of myself as a natural nurturer. I was raised primarily by my mother, although my sister (two years older) and my aunt (my same age) never hesitated to impart their wisdom at every turn. And my grandmothers? Let’s just say the world has never seen two better ladies! All of that nurturing of me had to have rubbed off on me, right? The open expression of emotions sure did, as well as the unconditional love and the reassurance in knowing that I always had a soft place to land. That closeness, ease, and sense of belonging is something I value and something I know I can provide to our son or daughter. That, plus plenty of hugs and kisses that make children feel so safe and valued; I got them and I’ll give them.

Does that mean I’ll be the mom?

Actually, there’s no one more intuitive than my husband at sensing needs and responding with the perfect mix of validation, comfort, and support. I think he got it from his mom and dad, who raised him and his twin brother with so much love and affection. My husband tells me about how he used to see his mom get up in the middle of the night to make sure he and his brother were still covered and warm. I know he’ll do the same with our little one because he plays that caretaker role so well. His sister tells a story about when they were young and she was feeling so down about herself on the morning of school pictures. She never asked, but he picked up on her feelings and fixed her hair (yes, we’re gay) so she “felt beautiful,” as she recalls. He had no idea how much his affirmation meant to his sister until a few years ago when she shared the memory with us. My husband has this innate ability to make you feel special and I know our child is going to thrive in the comfort of that connection.

So that’ll make him the mom, right?

Not quite. You see, our child will already have a mom; the woman who gave birth to him or her. The reason we decided to pursue open adoption is so our little one will know exactly where he or she came from and about the courageous, selfless decision that ultimately created our family. We hope the birth family becomes part of our extended family and we plan to nurture that connection through pictures, open dialogue, and consistent contact.

As for the day-to-day nurturing stuff that evokes the warm mom memories in so many, we can do all of those things. Our lives have prepared us for this moment and we know we can provide our son or daughter with such a loving, happy, and stable home filled with precious memories of their own. Traditional gender roles dictate that mom is usually the one who wipes the tears and makes the sandwiches. But what about all of those stay-at-home dads? The single fathers? The widowers? The same sex couples? Research has shown that male primary caregivers actually develop dual brain patterns and develop the mindset most often associated with maternal care taking.

Of course, our child deserves strong female influences and we happen to have some amazing women in our lives. Not just moms, grandmas, aunts and cousins, but also a number of close female friends that are more like family to us. The “Will & Grace” phenomenon is very real! There’s a special relationship that develops between a gay man and his female friends; an almost sister/brother-like bond. We’re blessed with so much love and support from this network of family and friends. Even better is the knowledge that all of this love is waiting for our little one – whenever he or she arrives!

So, when we hear that inevitable question of “which one of you is the mom?” we’ll be ready with the simplest answer possible: Neither of us. And both of us.

To learn more about Lance & Juan, visit their profile at:


LÍLLÉbaby and The Guncles Partner to Create A Baby Carrier That Celebrates Adoption

LILLEbaby The Guncles Family Shot

All photos provided by

LÍLLÉbaby and The Guncles have partnered to create a baby carrier that celebrates adoption! September 29th was the official release date of a beautiful new collection of a limited edition baby and doll carrier. The carriers were inspired and designed by the Independent Adoption Center’s adoptive family, Scout Masterson and Bill Horn, in collaboration with LÍLLÉbaby.


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The vibrant print that adorns the carriers was designed by hand and truly from the heart. Here’s what Scout and Bill had to say about the process of bringing this wonderful cause and concept to life, “When our friends at LÍLLÉbaby suggested we create our own custom print to be featured on their popular carriers, we knew we wanted to design a bold, geometric print that was cheerful, sophisticated, and unique…We are proud to be able to use this project to benefit a charity near-and-dear to our hearts – the Independent Adoption Center.” What a wonderful way to show the love that adoption brings into their lives. The Guncles + LilleBaby Collection is available now and can be purchased by visiting and


All proceeds earned from the sale of this limited edition run of LÍLLÉbaby carriers will be donated to the I.A.C., and LÍLLÉbaby will match their donation. The I.A.C. will use the donation to assist adoptive parents with above expected or anticipated expenses, such as legal/medical fees. Learn more today about how you can support this amazing cause by visiting


Project Nursery

Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post by one of IAC’s waiting adoptive couples, Chris Hargrove and Troy Turnipseed.

As we continue to put ourselves, our life and our journey into the universe for a birthmother to connect with us through open adoption, we are taking advantage of the “wait time” and directing our energy towards the nursery. We made the decision that once we went “live,” we would start the process of turning an empty office into a nursery full of hope and love. For us, #projectnursery began this past Father’s Day – we thought it was the perfect day to take the next step and are hopeful we will be spending next Father’s Day as dads to our own little girl or boy.

Now that we are three months into #projectnursery, we thought it would be helpful to share the process of what went into putting our nursery together when waiting to adopt and unsure of the timeline and gender. To be clear, we are not experts – just two dads-to-be learning about everything baby, and trying to decipher what is best for our child and us. The following is our list, in no particular order, of things we have done and/or learned thus far:

  1. Research. Before really beginning anything to do with the nursery, we did a lot of online research and reading of blogs and articles around the topics of adoption and creating a nursery. What we found most helpful was reading what other adoptive parents did or did not do, which gave us insight into how to set up our expectations and manage our emotions both good and bad. Tip: Talk to friends and family who have already set-up a nursery to see what their “must-haves” were.
  2. Location. For us, this was fairly simple. When we bought our house a couple years ago, we knew having a family was in our future so we made sure we had some additional bedrooms. All of our bedrooms are located on the second floor and we chose our office to be transformed into the nursery. Tip: Pick the room closest to your bedroom so you don’t have too far to travel in the middle of the night.
  3. floorFlooring. We made the choice to remove the carpeting and replace it with bamboo flooring. Because it was a small room (10’x13’), it was not difficult and only took about a week of working on it in the evenings when we got home from work to finish. This also gave us the opportunity to add a rug for an additional pop of color. Tip: If you are going to change from carpet to hard flooring, look for the kind that doesn’t warp with moisture and one that snaps together for easy installation.
  4. Theme. This was probably the hardest part for us. We spent hours online looking at different nursery designs, colors, layouts, etc. It can become quite overwhelming. The positive – we have time. We didn’t have to rush into anything and could wait until we really found something we wanted. Initially, we thought we would go the alphabet route, but then we kept finding ourselves drawn to elephants. We both really like grey and knew that would be a good neutral color to be included, so from that point forward, elephants it was! We never really changed our mind after that. We were also set on using yellow and white as accent colors, as we had some curtains left over from another part of the house we could reuse. Tip: Do your research and visit some baby stores before deciding on anything – there are more possibilities out there than you can image. There are wall decals for everything!
  5. wallPaint. Painting was our downfall for sure. We couldn’t figure out how we wanted the walls painted – all one color, multiple colors, patterns, etc. Should we do wall decals, wallpaper or stencils? Again, there were so many choices, so it was back to the internet to do a search of ‘yellow and grey nursery’ and ‘elephant nursery’ to get ideas. It was a good thought, but we got anxious and while at the paint store, impulsively purchased paint colors that went against what we had originally selected. We had the grand idea to paint the ENTIRE room yellow and paint grey elephant stencils over it. We even painted the closet yellow! This was, hands down, the worst decision we made. Thankfully, clearer heads prevailed and we went back to a room idea we found online, selected some yellow and greys that went with the rest of our house and ended up doing simple sectioned-off lines of color. A good, interesting and simple wall that could be enhance by any theme. Tip: Make sure to pick colors that won’t keep your child up at night!
  6. elephantAccent. Now that we had our flooring and painted walls set, it was time to think about adding some accents of theme. We don’t usually go too overboard with a theme and try to keep it simple, yet effective. Then, while making our first visit to buy buy BABY, we stumbled across everything elephant. Elephant blankets, lights, sheets, bottles, bibs, etc. But then we found it – they had the most perfect elephant wall decals. Simple, adorable and affordable. We weren’t sure what we were going to do with them, but we knew they were a must have. When we got home we initially thought they would go in the middle of the wall around the whole room, but it didn’t work. Finally it clicked to put them right above the baseboards in a family-like line in areas where we knew they wouldn’t be obstructed by furniture. It was perfect and it seems like a lot of other people agreed as the photo on our Facebook page has over 900 likes! Tip: Share each step of putting your nursery together on social media – it is a fun way to keep people engaged in your adoption journey.
  7. furnitureFurniture. We didn’t have any nursery furniture passed down through generations and we don’t have any little ones in the family that have out grown their nursery furniture yet, so we had to look at purchasing furniture. We went with clean lines and neutral look since we don’t know when it will be utilized. We also chose furniture that could grow with the child and met all the safety standards. However, our hunt for the perfect glider/rocker chair is still in progress. Tip: buy buy BABY takes a number of coupons, including Bed, Bath and Beyond. We were able to use a 20% off coupon for each piece of furniture.
  8. Accessories. This is our biggest temptation. Every time we are in a store, online or watching television we come across something we think would be super cute for the nursery. Stop yourself. Seriously – you don’t need everything you see and you don’t need to get it all now (we have to remind ourselves of that daily). Tip: Join Pinterest and create a “Nursery” board and every time you see something online or in a store that you like, pin it to the board – it saves what it is, where it is and how much it costs for you. Then, treat yourself to getting one thing a month for the nursery form that board (you can also add those items to your registry when the time comes).
  9. booksBooks. The reading area that we are going to set-up in the nursery is one of our favorite components. Many families create an area like this and we have found a number of them we like online. We are excited about the idea of displaying books for not only the range of color, but accessibility and functionality. We actually have an IKEA opening in our area next week, so we are holding off until we get there to purchase the book shelves. Tip: Check out Amazon and order children’s books that specifically speak to your family dynamic – there are a number of great ones out there about adoption, same-sex parents, transracial and unique families to name a few.
  10. Love. Make sure you fill the room with love. From paint strokes to furniture assembly to nightlight selection, enjoy the journey. However you imagine your nursery, it is going to be special because you built it with love. Tip: Save a place in the nursery to include a picture of your child’s birthmother.

There are certainly many more things that can be added to the list above, but those are the highlights we have experienced during #projectnursery thus far. We have learned that everything doesn’t and won’t be perfect. We have learned to enjoy this part of the process. We can see that it has helped keep us positive about our adoption journey and we have enjoyed sharing that process with those around us. With that said, creating a nursery during the wait may not be the right decision for every family, but it was right for us. You’ll know when it’s right, and when that time comes, you will already have the most important tool to start – love.

Chris Hargrove and Troy Turnipseed live in St. Louis, Missouri. They are hoping to adopt their first child soon. To learn more about Chris and Troy, visit:


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Texas Changes Course on LGBT Adoptions

In Texas, the Department of State Health Services has revised its policy to recognize same-sex adoptions.

19gwsux46qsebjpgAs of August 12th, LGBT couples can now receive amended birth certificates for their children with both parents names listed. This reversal in policy comes after Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton was ordered to appear before a judge at a contempt of court hearing. Paxton came under scrutiny after he advised Texas county clerks that they could refuse to issue vital documents (like a birth certificate) if it violated their personal religious beliefs. The contempt hearing has been postponed until September while the state implements the policy changes.

Here is the text of the revised policy issued last week by Texas:

For any adoption ordered on or after June 26, 2015, supplementary birth certificates for children born in Texas will be issued/amended for the adopted child to include same-sex couples whose names are listed on the court order or formal certificate of adoption as the adoptive parents. Documentation must be provided to this effect, along with other standard documentation required for issuance/amendment of a supplementary birth certificate for an adoption.

For adoptions ordered prior to June 26, 2015, amendments to supplementary birth certificates previously issued, will be processed and issued, as requested, to list the names of both persons of the same-sex couple if both are named as parents in the court ordered adoption. Documentation must be provided to this effect, along with other standard documentation required for issuance of an amendment to a supplementary birth certificate for an adoption.

Currently the amended birth certificate will still list parents as “Mother” and “Father”, but the software that is responsible for printing this language is being updated, according to the Texas DSHS.

At Independent Adoption Center, we welcome with excitement these important policy updates. We also acknowledge with gratitude the advocacy groups, citizens, and lawmakers who fought to make this possible: State Representative Rafael Anchia, Lamda Legal and Ken Upton Jr, John Stone-Hoskins, Daniel McNeel Lane Jr, and many others.

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Creating Your Own Adoption Video

Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post by hopeful adoptive parents, David & Ana Ogilvie, with tips on doing your own adoption video.

My husband, David, and I are a waiting adoptive family with IAC. One of the ways we’ve decided to break up the wait AND help get us out there a little further was to make an adoption video. We definitely knew we wanted to do it, but we were intimidated by the process and didn’t know how to start. Not to mention, we were embarrassed and a little self-conscious about the whole idea. BUT! We got ‘er done and IT WAS FUN! We highly recommend it!

It was so fun in fact, that I decided to write a blog post about it to hopefully inspire a few fellow “waiters” out there in IAC-Land to make one too. It feels good to DO something and it feels good to reach a place where you feel proud of yourself, the life you’ve built, and express the love you already feel for your future child and his/her first family. Take a chance and go for it. I promise you, it’s worth it!

Plus, I’m here to support you and offer you some pointers to start you on your way.

First off, let’s talk equipment. You don’t need anything special. We used a point and shoot camera with video function. But you can also use your standard iPhone just as easily. Regarding video editing software, we used Windows Movie Maker which was a part of the regular Windows package. You’re going to want access to a laptop or desktop computer to do the editing as working from your phone would be a total headache. Windows Movie Maker wasn’t the “coolest” editing software around I’m sure, but it was simple to figure out. Once we completed the editing, we uploaded to YouTube and that was it!

Now that you know what programs to use, let’s talk content. David and I introduced our video via a short interview. This was by far the hardest part. At first, we included waaaayyyyyy too much dialogue because we felt we had so much we wanted to express to our future child’s first family. It was long, it was emotionally heavy, and it was… boring. I’ll admit it. We learned a lot by the time we got to what seemed like our 75th take.

Let me save you some time and frustration and give you some tips right out of the gate:

  1. Keep it short (about 1 minute) – Say only what you need to say and let the rest of the video speak for itself.
  2. Take a few deep breaths and get comfortable – Try and be as natural as possible. Our animals were in the frame and it totally worked (I hope!). One was invited and the other was a total photo-bomb.
  3. Allow yourself to be animated – BE HAPPY! BE EXCITED! – Let yourself be yourself. You will shine if you do.
  4. If you’re hoping to adopt with a partner, speak equally – Nothing shows commitment like speaking up.
  5. Do as many takes as you need – You know what your best is and if what you have isn’t it, do it again. You owe it yourself to get this part right.

Now it’s time to demonstrate bits and pieces of your life. You can do this by showing video clips with dialogue in between or like we did, splicing video clips together with volume silenced and music added in over the top. We really liked this method and felt like it provided a great overall glimpse into who we are as a family. We shot all our video on one Sunday doing exactly what we would have normally done that day. This doesn’t have to be difficult! But what it does have to be is honest. If it’s not honest, it won’t be a good video. Also, don’t feel like you have to have a “videographer” with you following you around; you don’t have to be in every shot. Feel free to have just one of you starring in each scene and remove that pressure.

Here are some tips for shooting good clips:

  1. Introduce activities you like to do – Take some footage of that intermural soccer tournament you’re spending your entire Saturday at, your latest knitting creation, cooking dinner or working from your home office. Who cares! Visual details are interesting, no matter what!
  2. Introduce your other kids (if applicable), your extended family, friends, and/or your pets – Panorama shots and close ups are great for this.
  3. Try to capture your whole home environment to give a “sense of place” – A simple walk through your neighborhood can be so heart-warming and informative for a birth parent to see.
  4. Showcase the natural beauty of where you live – Do you live near gorgeous mountains, a river, lake, ocean, farmland, or an incredible city skyline? Think about it and really take advantage of the beauty inherent to where you live.
  5. If you use music, choose a song that means something to you – One that represents some aspect of how you feel about the adoption process, the birth family you plan share yours with, or your future child.
  6. Take as much video as you want – You’ll edit out HUGE chunks later.
  7. Keep your total video length to about 3-4 minutes – Too long is just that… too long.

Okay! So now you have a bunch of hard-earned pointers from us. Go forth and video! You’ll be glad you did. Good luck!

To see our FULL video (4:58), please feel free: or read more about us here:

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How to Refocus Discouragement During a Long Wait

How did I get here?

A Long WaitIt’s a question you may be asking yourself a lot lately. With this question can come the feelings of discouragement, disappointment and even at times, deep sadness. The fact that you may feel like you keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep ending up in the same place is frustrating! But feeling like this is okay! Remember we are all human and feel pain.

Taking time to reflect, refocus and even nurture yourself is something we all need to do because it is worthwhile. There is a purpose in what you are currently experiencing. To learn from it will only help you move in the direction of your goal, to not only become a parent but a parent that never takes their child for granted.

Remember everything you are going through is preparing you to ultimately achieve what you are seeking. The fact that you are reading this article is proof that you are looking to turn your current feelings into hope and possibility. All you may need is to be reminded of the tools to do so.

I am sure you have heard that although you can’t control everything that happens to you, you can control the way you respond to what happens. Well it’s true! How you feel corresponds to your thoughts that “you” are responsible for. If you are ruminating, complaining, blaming or focusing on just yourself, you put yourself in a downward spiral.

When you find yourself filled with negative thoughts replace them with reaffirmations. Ask yourself constructive questions and give yourself positive answers instead of negative ones. If what you have tried hasn’t worked then change your strategies to pave the way for positive action. Sometimes changing directions and taking the smallest steps can put things in motion.

Never stop visualizing your child and what it will be like to be his/her parent. Remember accomplishing your goal is positive and the wrong mental attitude can push away all that you are hoping for. Worse yet, it can sabotage your dreams. Keep replacing any negative thoughts regarding not matching yet by reminding yourself that every day you are one step closer. Be grateful for all the gifts that you have been given and know that patience, persistence and faith are the keys!


Today Marriage Equality, Tomorrow Adoption Equality!

In a historic ruling, the Supreme Court cleared the way for LGBTQ marriage equality across the United States! In their 5-4 decision, the Justices declared that same-sex marriage bans are unconstitutional because they violate the 14th Amendment which provides equal protection under the law.

SCOTUS Rules Marriage Bans UnconstitutionalPresident Obama quickly delivered a speech from the Rose Garden, in which he said, “Sometimes there are days like this, when that slow, steady effort is rewarded with justice that arrives like a thunderbolt. This morning, the Supreme Court recognized that the constitution guarantees marriage equality. In doing so they have reaffirmed that all Americans are entitled to equal protection of the law, that all people should be treated equally regardless of who they are or who they love.”

The Justices used a lot of ink in penning their opinions on the matter, coming to a total of 103 pages worth. Each of the four dissenting Justices (Chief Justice Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito) wrote their own separate dissenting opinion. All four seemed to hinge on the belief that the right of states to discriminate in their laws was of higher importance than equal protection guaranteed by the 14th Amendment. At IAC we, and thankfully a majority of the SCOTUS, strongly disagree with that belief.

The fight for equality will continue. While this ruling paves the way for the protection of LGBT families in all states, there are still plenty of laws that discriminate in how those families can be formed. In states like North Dakota, Louisiana, and Ohio, LGBT adoption has been de facto blocked by denying marriage equality, and requiring joint adoptions to be filed by married couples only. These knots of legal discrimination remain to be untangled.

However, it may be that this ruling provides a valuable precedent in the struggle to establish equality in adoption law. As the decision invokes the 14th Amendment, providing equal protection under the law, it seems that if states must recognize the right of marriage for all, then the right of family formation for all would logically follow. To borrow an example from Chief Justice Roberts, if Sue loves Joe and Tom loves Joe, either one is now legally able to marry Joe. Absent any other differences in the lives of Sue & Joe vs. Tom & Joe, they both should be legally allowed to adopt.

Independent Adoption Center celebrates today’s decision, but we are not blind to the struggle that lies ahead. We stand committed in our mission to advocate for true equality for all Americans.

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Taking a Look at Laws on LGBT Adoption

In honor of pride month, you may be thinking a lot about LGBT legal issues. While same-sex marriage is the hot topic that the Supreme Court plans to make a decision about this week, you may be wondering how opinions about LGBT families and adoption will play into this decision, and how such a ruling will affect the rights of the LGBT community. As is true with other issues surrounding LGBT equality, the adoption laws in each state are different.

lgbt-lawWhen looking at the legalities of same-sex couples’ ability to adopt and what is in the state’s statute, we’re asking two questions:

1) Who is allowed to adopt?

2) Are second parent adoptions allowed?

A couple of things to note are first that the laws are constantly changing, and second that there is vague language in many states’ statutes that allow for judges to make rulings on a case-by-case basis. Let’s take a look at the states where there are some barriers in allowing same-sex couples to adopt:

Mississippi is the only state whose law expressly prohibits same-sex couples from adopting.

Same-sex couples used to be unable to adopt in the state of Utah because the statute says, “a child may not be adopted by a person who is cohabitating in a relationship that is not a legally valid and binding marriage under the laws of this state.” Same-sex marriage did not become legal in Utah until October of last year when the U.S. Supreme Court allowed marriage bans to be overturned in Wisconsin, Virginia, Indiana, Utah, and Oklahoma. Now, same-sex couples can adopt in Utah as long as they are married.

In other states, marriage may actually be an obstacle to adopting. In Wisconsin, for example, same-sex couples are allowed to marry but only an unmarried adult or a husband and wife can jointly adopt. Wisconsin also does not approve second-parent adoptions. There are several other states in which the statute says that any unmarried adult can adopt, but married persons must petition to adopt jointly. These states include North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kentucky, Louisiana, Alabama, and Ohio. However, same-sex marriage is not legal in any of these states nor is second-parent adoption meaning that only one parent can legally adopt.

Michigan, Missouri, Texas and Georgia allows for any individual to adopt, but second-parent adoptions are approved only in the lower courts. Approval may depend on the county and the judge. In other words, approval of both parents having legal rights over the adopted child is not guaranteed.

As you can see, same-sex adoption laws are incredibly varied by state. The looming question is, if the court approves same-sex marriage as a federal constitutional right for same-sex couples, how will that affect their ability to adopt? Will certain states, such as Wisconsin, still be able to enforce that only heterosexual married couples be allowed to adopt, and thus deterring same-sex couples from marrying? Will second-parent adoption still need to be a necessary protection in cases where a same-sex married couple is filing to adopt jointly? Will they face other barriers?

Ideally, if the Supreme Court’s decision is to allow same-sex couples to marry, this will be a positive and more inclusive shift toward eliminating all forms of discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity in the adoption world and beyond.


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