Open Adoption Blog


Waiting for Adoption

By the time you decide to start the adoption journey, you may have already been waiting to become parents for a long time. When you finally sign an agency contract, pay some fees and are ready to start: then comes more waiting. There is waiting for paperwork to be completed, home studies to be scheduled, criminal clearances to come in, and letters to be approved. All this waiting is only the precursor to the big wait and that is for a birth parent to contact you and then for the right birth parent to contact you.

Woman waiting for the adoption call

Does a watched phone never ring?

So how do we handle the wait? The reality is that there will be days when the wait is just hard and no amount of ideas will help you. But you can do things that help you put the wait into perspective.

First of all realizing that there is a process and that there are many others who have gone before you and have eventually adopted can help you. There are professionals there to help you achieve your goals and they have helped many others and know the journey first hand.

When you finally get yourself officially out there for birth parent contact it can be very exciting at first, but after a while you may feel a little down. Before you had your profile approved you were somewhat in control of getting paperwork completed, uploading pictures, and creating a letter. Now when there is nothing to do but wait for the phone to ring or an email to come it, time seems to slow way down. This kind of wait can sometimes seem like a free fall wait. There is nothing you can do, things are out of your control and waiting for a date somewhere out there in the dark is really hard to do.

There are things you can do to help yourself cope with the seemingly endless wait. Making little goals with a time line attached will help. Make goals that you can put on a calendar, this helps you see an end in sight. These goals can be about the adoption like marketing using Facebook or Youtube videos, or they can have nothing to do with the adoption like finishing a project around the house, going on a trip, or reading a book. The really helpful thing is to have a timeline when you will accomplish that task. This will help you focus on something you can see the end of. This will give you a sense of satisfaction while you wait for a call from a birth parent that you have no control over.

Finding ways to be kind to yourself and your partner are very essential. Everyone is in a different place during the journey of adoption. Some can busy themselves with work and life and appear to be handling the wait just fine. Others can get highly focused on wanting to be a parent that they feel at a loss. Allowing yourself to process the wait in a way that helps you is truly important as well as permitting your partner and other family members to do this too. Taking time to discuss ways to help each other and being understanding of one another’s needs, will help you have a more productive wait time. It is often too easy to take out frustration on those we love and are the closest to us. Recognizing that a partner or family member are struggling then responding with encouragement or space can really help.

Thinking of the wait in a positive way can also help. Waiting is part of the journey. This is a time to prepare to be parents. Remembering that you will be parents is important. You may get discouraged at times but meeting with other adoptive parents who have completed an adoption can give you hope. You will be able to see that adoption does happen and you will be parents. Some have found that making a journal or scrapbook of the wait helps them focus on the positive part of the wait and remember to enjoy the journey and look forward to the destination.

They say that hindsight is 20/20. Well I have to agree it is better once your baby is placed in your arms. Just like women who have gone through childbirth report that when the baby is placed in their arms all the pain of the labor and delivery fade somewhat, this is also true of the “wait” for adoptive parents. This has been my experience. Notice I said fade not completely erase. You will remember the time you waited, but the negativity will decrease and you will most likely decide it was worth it.

Be cautious not to compare your wait time to anyone else’s. Everyone has heard about the adopted parents who got contacted and placed with a baby the week they were in circulation. It is difficult to hear those kinds of successes especially if you have been waiting more than a year. Remembering that everyone’s journey is unique and special to them is important for your own sanity and will help with the wait. Your baby will come and it will be at the right time for you.

Finally while you are waiting make sure to remember to take time for your family. Don’t put off things you want and need to do. Life goes on and so should you. Being part of the adoptive parent waiting club is unique and can come with challenges. Find a friend who is going through it or who has gone through it. Rely on others who have been there and most importantly trust in the process. Many, many families have been blessed with the right baby through adoption. Trust that it will happen for you too. You are not alone. Just as a butterfly must face the long wait in the cocoon and then struggle to emerge, eventually the butterfly is strong, beautiful and completely unique just like each of our families will be after the long wait is over.

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We’re nearing that time of year again of giving thanks and giving back and it’s never too early to start! The Concord office has already begun our support for the Toys for Tots program this year and have received our box this week to become a drop-off site for Contra Costa County.

Toys for Tots at Independent Adoption Center

Jennifer displays our Toys for Tots box!

The Toys for Tots program became an official mission of the Marine Corps Reserve in 1995. Their mission is to collect new toys from October through December to distribute to less fortunate children in the community. The goal is to send a message of hope to these children by providing a new toy for them at Christmas, that they otherwise wouldn’t be able to receive.

So don’t be shy and stop on by the Independent Adoption Center before December 15th! We’re open from 9-5PM at 2300 Clayton Rd, Ste 1150, Concord, CA 94520

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Florida’s newest adoption agency: Independent Adoption Center

Independent Adoption Center (IAC), the nation’s leading open adoption agency, has opened the doors at its newest office in Tampa, Florida. Adoptive parents and birthparents in Florida will now have access to the full range of trusted IAC adoption services.

Florida Adoption AgencyThe new office is located at 3030 N Rocky Point Drive W, Suite 150, right off the Courtney Campbell Causeway on the west side of town. Adoption Workshops will be held on a monthly basis, the first one was held on November 12, 2013. There are currently six adoptive families already signed up with IAC’s Florida branch, and over 130 pregnant women in Florida have contacted IAC this year to receive pregnancy counseling or adoption information.

“We look forward to providing open adoption services as well as LGBT-friendly services to birth and adoptive families in Florida,” said Ann Wrixon, IAC’s Executive Director.

IAC’s mission is to provide open adoption placement and counseling to birth and adoptive families to ensure that every child grows up feeling loved and supported. Having a presence in Florida, the fourth most populous state in the country, will contribute to achieving this mission. With the addition of this new office, IAC now provides complete in-state adoption services to over 40% of the US population.

“Our Florida office offers another option to families who might have been excluded from working with other agencies,” said Michelle Keyes, LMSW, IAC’s Florida Branch Director. “We are looking forward to building partnerships with entities in Florida and providing quality services to all members of the adoption triad.”

If you are interested in working with an adoption agency in Florida, please give us a call (877) 977-2144.

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Preparing for a Home Study: What You Need to Know

The first thing to keep in mind when preparing for the home study portion of the adoption process is to realize that we are not trying to exclude or disqualify a family from adopting.  We want you to adopt!

Homestudy interview

Home studies can be easy!

Most issues that would disqualify a family from adopting are found before the actual home study through background clearances, physicals, therapist letters, etc during the information gathering stage of the process.  If there are concerns with a family’s actual home they are typically fixable, and we can usually give the family that opportunity to correct whatever concern was noted.  Things such as smoke detectors not working or medications not being out of reach of a child are easily correctable.  If concern is noted with information a family provided during the interviews, we will address those concerns with the family and determine if there is a way to move past them.  In some instances, this may require additional classes, trainings, or evaluations, but typically, adoptive families are given the chance to address any concern.

It’s also important to understand why there are so many regulations and requirements in a home study.  Some of the requirements are agency requirements, based on what they determine to be best practice.  Other requirements are determined by the state you live in, and a few are determined by federal law.  The reason behind so many different requirements is that, when a family wants to adopt, an agency has to attest that they believe that family will make a good adoptive family and provide a child with a safe, stable and stimulating environment.  We have to evaluate every angle and address every concern brought up so that we can be confident when approving a family to adopt.

So what do you really need to know about preparing for a home study?

  • We won’t look under your beds or in your closets (unless there is something suspicious!).
  • We don’t have a white glove to test for dirt and grime.
  • You don’t have to have a nursery set up.
  • You don’t have to baby proof your home.
  • You don’t have to bake the social worker cookies.
  • We will be looking for a safe and appropriate space in which to raise a child, including an appropriate room that is designated to become baby’s room.
  • We will be looking for general safety including appropriate safety concerning bodies of water and fire arms.
  • We will ensure you are aware of the potential hazards in your home and agree to address them once your child becomes mobile (baby proofing).
  • We will be testing your smoke detectors during the visit and looking for fire extinguishers and carbon monoxide detectors.
  • We will be ensuring your hot water will not scald a child and your pets are friendly and vaccinated.
  • We will be checking to ensure your medications and alcohol are kept out of reach of children and your cleaning chemicals are not stored next to your food.

We will also be conducting interviews with you.  The number and location of interviews varies from state to state.  The interviews are not meant to fool you or catch you off guard.  They are to expand on information already provided to the agency and gather more pieces of your social history.  The interviews provide the opportunity for the social worker to further assess your reasoning, thoughts, and values about parenting as well as clear up any missing pieces from your paperwork.

It’s important to be prepared for the home study process and if you have specific questions, check with your social worker to have those concerns addressed.  While the home study is one aspect of the adoption process that is often feared and causes a lot of anxiety, most families will exclaim it’s much easier than they anticipated!

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Ways to Pay for an Adoption

Editors note: This is a guest post by Phoebe Stevens, a former financial adviser.

The average cost of delivering a baby in the U.S. is around $30,000, according to a 2013 study by Truven Health Analytics. You might think that it is less expensive to adopt, but adoption fees can range from a few thousand dollars to upwards of $40,000, according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway. You can scrimp and save for years to afford to adopt, or you can take advantage programs specifically designed for parents looking to expand their families. (You can view IAC’s adoption fees here)

Grants
Several organizations, such as the National Adoption Foundation and the Gift of Adoption Fund, provide grants to eligible soon-to-be parents. The Gift of Adoption fund has granted nearly $2 million to help more than 650 children be adopted. You can apply for a grant from the fund after you have had an approved home study.

The fund doesn’t consider the number of children you might have, your religion or beliefs, your race, age or sexual orientation when awarding the grant. What does matter is your financial need and your willingness to go through with the adoption. Grants from the Gift of Adoption fund range from $1,000 to $7,500. The average grant is around $3,500.

The National Adoption Foundation awards grants ranging from $500 to $2,000. The fund doesn’t look at income when awarding grants and its grants are for any type of adoption, including domestic. The foundation awards grants four times a year.

Loans
If you aren’t eligible for a grant, you might consider borrowing money to pay for an adoption. The National Adoption Foundation has partnered with two peer-to-peer lending programs, Prosper and Lending Club. Both programs allow you to borrow up to $35,000, often at competitive interest rates. The rate you receive is based on your credit score and history.

Depending on the interest rate on your credit card, you might find that using it to finance an adoption is a less expensive option. If you are eligible for a credit card with 0 percent interest or a very low rate, consider applying for it to pay for adoption expenses. The same is true of taking out a personal loan from your bank, but only if it offers a low interest rate.

Rearranging Your Financial Life
Making changes to your financial life can help you pay for an adoption. For example, if you are paying a high interest rate, above five percent, it might make sense to refinance. If you choose a cash-out refinance, you’ll receive a lump sum after you close. You can use the amount remaining after the first mortgage is paid off to pay for the adoption.

Another option is to get cash for structured settlement payments or an annuity by selling them. Instead of receiving a monthly payment over the course of many years, which isn’t helpful when you need a large amount of money, you’ll get your money in one lump sum.

Fundraise
You can also turn to friends, family and complete strangers for financial assistance. Start an online adoption fundraiser at a site such as YouCaring or GoFundMe. Promote your fundraiser through email or social media and ask your friends and family to spread the word. Keep in mind that some sites do charge fees and will take a portion of any money you raise.

About the author
Phoebe was a financial adviser for a Wall Street bank until she moved to the suburbs. She has a small clientele base and enjoys sharing what she has learned from them.

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Rehoming Adoption, and How to Fix It.

IAC is aware of this practice called “re-homing” where families illegally move adopted children (most frequently internationally adopted children) to new families without any oversight from child welfare authorities. Unfortunately, this is only technically illegal if the child crosses state lines as this violates the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children (ICPC). If not, there are no laws to prevent this activity within a state.

For families who adopt out of the foster-care system, there are services available to help the new family adjust to any psychological or behavioral issues stemming from early childhood trauma. There are even agencies who specialize in finding new placements for children after a previous placement does not work out. Unfortunately, many families who adopt internationally may not know that these services exist, or may not want to go through the expense, emotion, and time that is required to ethically disrupt an adoption.

In addition, many families either are not informed or chose to ignore the information that children (especially older children) adopted internationally may have experienced a variety of trauma, that will make parenting a challenge. This is also true of domestically adopted children if they experienced abuse or neglect before placement, but domestic adoption agencies provide a variety of services to help parents in this situation and to ethically handle a disrupted adoption.

IAC applauds Yahoo for shutting down the chat rooms where many of these “re-homing” arrangements were made. We are also thankful the private Facebook page, called “Way Stations of Love” appears to have been deleted.

Finally, IAC would like to see states and the federal government pass laws that require parents to report to child welfare officials whenever they sign temporary guardianship papers, and for the child welfare officials to investigate the circumstances. The law would need to include a provision that schools, social workers, health care workers and other mandated reporters notify child welfare officials of these arrangements when they find out about them so as to ensure that children are protected in case child welfare officials were not notified.

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6 Tips for a Successful Adoption Facebook Page

Jason & Justin, an IAC waiting family from Nebraska, know a thing or ten about making an adoption Facebook page successful: their page has over 1500 likes! They were generous enough to share some tips on how to mimic their success on their blog recently. Below is an excerpt of their post:

Adoption Facebook experts Jason & Justin

Jason and Justin with their dog, Bailey

  1. Get a Memorable Name – Each page has a unique URL or name that can be linked to the adoption profile or other adoption material.  Choose a page name that is easy to remember.  Also keep in mind this is the name that people will see, so keep it relevant to the adoption.   We picked facebook.com/JasonandJustinAdopt  for our Facebook page name.
  2. Grab their Attention – Choose a cover photo and profile image that is eye catching and lures people into the Facebook page.   We liked the cover photos that had been edited to include the toll-free number and personal adoption website name in the graphic.  Another recommendation is to maintain consistency with the iHeartAdoption.com and Dear Birth Mother Letter profile photos so there is a consistent look-and-feel to the main photos across sites.
  3. Just the Facts – Make sure all the relevant information is quickly available for the people viewing your page.   Take time to fill in the “About” section with the adoption email address, toll-free number, Independent Adoption Center (IAC) website, and your personal website information.  The “About” section shows approximately 2 sentences on the main Facebook page, so keep this brief and to the point.  Experiment with this section to make sure you have the relevant information showing on the front page.  Any lengthier text can be added to the “Description” section when the reader clicks for more information.
  4. Like other Adoption Profiles – “Like” other pages that are adoption or family oriented and don’t be afraid to ask the page owners to repost your content or share your page. Remember Facebook is a web of inter-linked pages and getting your page connected to other sites helps the chances of people finding your page.   One thing to be aware of is the pages “liked” show up on the Facebook main page.  Make sure to go into the settings and manage what “liked pages” appear on your profile so the top 5 most important ones are displayed.
  5. Gain Insights – Don’t be afraid to ask your friends to like your page.  Make a push to get the first 25 friends to like your page so you can get access to “Insight” pages that Facebook offers.   The “Insights” allow adoptive parents to see how far their posts reach, engagement of users, popularity of each post, and demographic information of the people that liked the page. Insights can even tell you when is the best time to make a post is as most users are online.

Be sure to check out the rest of their tips on their blog: 10 Tips for a Successful Adoption Facebook Page.

And finally, a bonus 11th tip: Check out their Facebook page to see their strategies in action!

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New Report: More Adoption Training Needed for Mental Health Workers

A common issue faced by members of the adoption triad is a lack of healthcare professionals who truly understand their needs. Adoptees, Birthparents, and Adoptive Parents can face unique challenges related to their adoption experience. When visiting health care professionals such as therapists, psychologists, and social workers, these challenges often go unrecognized or misdiagnosed. In some cases, the associated struggles can even be made worse.

 

Dog Doctor

We just couldn’t bring ourselves to use a photo of doctors with a clipboard.

A new report published by the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute makes the case for increasing training and competency on adoption issues for professionals in the mental health field.  The authors of the report conclude:

For a variety of reasons, adopted individuals and their families are more likely to use mental health services than is the general population. Helping adoptive parents manage these life complexities for themselves and their children can be a challenge, often requiring the help of professionals. Adopted individuals, as children and through their life cycles, can encounter a range of concerns (e.g. ones related to identity) with which they want and need professional assistance. Furthermore, birth/first mothers and fathers also frequently need the services of mental health counselors as they struggle to cope with their loss and, for a growing number of these individuals, to find satisfying ways of managing ongoing relationships with their children and their adoptive families. Mental health and allied professionals must be prepared to meet the needs of these individuals and families. They must possess not only the foundations for competent clinical practice, but also a deep understanding of the unique issues involved.

Along with their findings, the Institute makes a number of recommendations, including:

  • Developing certification programs for professionals to get clinical competence in adoption-related issues.
  • Strengthening and expanding existing programs.
  • Outreach programs to spread awareness of the need for such training.
  • Educating insurance providers about these issues.
  • Expanding research to evaluate the effectiveness and outcomes of such training.

You can read the full report here.

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The Beauty of Open Adoption

When we set out on our adoption journey, we quickly realized that Open Adoption was the model that felt right for our family. As we moved through the process, we learned that even for those that set out to have an open adoption, not all end up that way. Some birth mother’s “disappear” for awhile or forever, some adoptive families only want to honor their minimum agreements, and other circumstances come into play.

Open Adoption Family

The Benson’s with daughter Samantha Jane and her birthparents and brother.

We knew that even though we were working through the IAC, we were not guaranteed to be matched with a situation that would be a true open adoption. As I was dreaming of the family we would become, I really hoped that we would end up with a birth family that wanted to maintain involvement in our child’s life. Our dream became a reality and we couldn’t have imagined something more beautiful than what we have.

As many of you may have already encountered, people outside of the open adoption community are often fearful & have a hard time understanding why we would want such openness. Many people think openness is risky or would take something away from us as adoptive parents, that it would make us less of “the real parents”. Thankfully, we have had the opportunity to show so many people around us that is simply not the case. Our family grew by much more than just one adorable little girl. We gained several more people to love her and to love us as her parents.

Our open adoption agreement includes in-person visits every other year (simply because of living on opposite coasts). We share lots of pictures and texts, and have a blog set up so extended family can check in anytime without having to wait for updates. After placement, we were moved to offer to fly our birth family out to visit for our daughter’s first birthday. That choice ended up being an incredibly worthwhile experience.

We had an overnight visit with our birthmother’s aunt, which was absolutely wonderful. The following day, our daughter’s birthparents & 4 year old brother (whom they are parenting) arrived for a week long visit. We had a wonderful time getting to know one another better & enjoying each others company. Perhaps the most special times were seeing the kids play together.

Before the trip, our birthmother told us how happy she was that she had chosen the right family. Nothing could warm my heart more than hearing that. Our time together was very comfortable & natural. They loved getting to know our daughter more & in every way honored us as her parents.

As we shared our visit with our loved ones on Facebook, so many people’s eyes were opened to the beauty of our open adoption. One friend, whose youngest child was adopted was inspired by our experience to reach out to her son’s birth family while on a family vacation to his place of birth. She told me she was initially very irritated at the idea, but took the plunge after seeing our experience. It turned out to be the most beautiful, heartwarming experience for everyone involved.

We are so very grateful to have the loving birth family that we do. Our daughter has even more people to love her. Nothing could have prepared us for the roller-coaster ride we experienced to arrive here, but thankfully we now have our happily ever after. Being able to share this experience with our daughter’s birth family makes it that much richer.

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The Adoption-Process-opedia

Byron and Jonathon are IAC adoptive parents from Texas, and maintain an irreverent and hilarious blog about their adoption journey. Here is an excerpt from the homestudy edition:

So we’d decided to become parents through the IAC. Next they had to determine if we would make fit parents.

The Spousal Unit and myself are both male and human (in case you were confused by our picture). In other words; gay. We couldn’t help but wonder if there was some sort of gay parent closet we should have been looking to hide in. As it turns out, the people whose opinions really matter anyway, feel exactly as we’d hoped they would; that we’re as nutty as we ever were and will make the best parents ever!

Although the world has mostly moved on from the formative days of school-aged ostracism and bricks being thrown at one’s head by cowboy kids more concerned with fashion than your average drag-queen, some folks still seem to take issue with “the gays”. Some of the adoption agencies we researched weren’t even open to the idea of same-sex parents. Never mind what the American Psychological Association says, or the  American Academy of Pediatrics says, or the American Medical Association says or the Child Welfare League of America says.

IAC seemed to have their poop in a group, so we gave them our trust and enough money for a new car. During the two-day workshop we were given a three-ring binder. In the old days, before google, we had these giant books called encyclopedias. The IAC client binder is the adoptionprocessopedia.

You owe it to yourself to finish reading about their homestudy epic over on their blog.

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