If my life is a library, I have a whole section for adoption. Every year for my adoption day, my parents gave me a book inscribed with a message of praise and gratitude that I came into their lives. The first book I remember is a pen-and-ink picture book of a monkey at a birthday party with a trombone. And there’s the one my father read aloud to us after dinner that had my name in the first sentence. The small book of poems about nature that made me start writing. A cookbook I’ve used so much that the pages stick together with floury glue. Novels, nonfiction; cardstock, coffee table; banal, beautiful. To date I have 37 books scattered between my home and my mother’s house, each a thank you note for the miracle of adoption in our family.

Another metaphoric shelf in my library houses the books I was reading when I was unexpectedly pregnant and looking for a family for my birthson. The week after I discovered I was pregnant, I bought What to Expect When You’re Expecting, the classic book for mothers-to-be. I no longer have the book—I gave it to a friend after a few years—but I can still see the picture of the pregnant woman on the front, reading and smiling in a nursery rocking chair. I was glad to have a book about pregnancy, but felt ostracized when I couldn’t find any books that dealt with the challenges of placing a baby for adoption. At least not books with positive messages. There was a definite empty space on my shelves for books that could have helped me weather the challenges and emotions of becoming a birthmother.

So what section of the library am I in now? I’m in the waiting room. My partner and I are waiting to adopt  a baby of our own. Although it’s only been eight months, it feels like an eternity when you’re waiting for a baby. It could happen any minute. And it could happen five years from now. As we wait, the books are piling up. Our mahogany hope chest is full of baby books: two copies of Goodnight Moon, books about sea turtles to use in the bath, books about animals and trucks and children and nature and everything we want to teach our children. And books about adoption. Right now we are living in an age when people can talk about the adoption process without shame or stigma. There are books on how to talk to other people about your adoption journey, the specific challenges and joys transracial adoption brings, advice for staying in touch with your children’s birthmother, how to find adoption groups so your kids can have play dates with other adoptees, how to talk to your kids about other kinds of families.

The world has really opened up about adoption in the decades since my adoption and since my birthson’s adoption. I’m fortunate, and my children will be fortunate, to live in a time when adoption is simply one of the many ways of creating a family. In any library, you’ll find books about single parent families, grandparent families, gay families, foster families, stay-at-home parent families, divorced families, blended families… Each of us has an internal library, space for all of the stories of our lives, and more and more we can find ourselves represented on actual shelves.

I want to acknowledge everyone who has an adoption story — adoptees, birthparents, adoptive parents, family and friends. We know about joys and challenges and strength and grief and diversity and acceptance. Adoption is a library full of stories, and each story unfolds differently for each of us. May all of our adoption journeys be books that bring us peace in the present and leave a library of understanding for those who follow.

Sadie & Elizabeth Durant are waiting to adopt a baby with the Independent Adoption Center. To learn more about them, visit their open adoption website.

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This morning the TODAY Show featured a story that helps reveal the impact of social media on adoption. The video clip above explains how an adoptive mother and her daughter used Facebook to find the woman who placed her for adoption 19 years ago. After contacting her birthmother and meeting her for the first time, she explains how her life has changed. Also interviewed in the segment, is Adam Pertman, the Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. He states that social media’s role in adoption in real and growing. The transparency of information across social media has initiated new research into what, if any, adoption policies should be adjusted and how to define best practices in adoption.

A single Caucasian mother with her African-American son adopted through the IAC

In the past, through closed adoptions, these were probably dreaded words to hear. But now with open adoption, these words are easily explained and most likely already known from a very early age. By the time your child is asking these types of questions, they are noticing the differences around them and trying to figure out how they fit into the family and the world.

The key to answering any question about adoption from your child is honesty. If your child asks you about where their looks came from, or why they don’t look like you, you’ll want to go back and revisit their adoption story with them. Remind them that they have birthparents and that they likely resemble them more than you. If you have photos of the birthparents, pull them out and compare them to your child. Notice the differences and similarities between them. If you don’t have photos of them, or of only one of them, you can help your child imagine what they might look and what traits they might share. Give your child permission to daydream about their birthparents and acknowledge that they do share the same genetic background.

You can also take this opportunity to explore the differences and similarities between your child and the rest of your family. Perhaps you share eye color, or curly hair, or rosy cheeks. Perhaps you share silly talents such as touching your nose with your tongue or wiggling your ears. Or you might even share other interests such as sports, music, or math. Your child is likely trying to find something to connect them to you since they know they are not genetically connected.

Meryl and sweet Baby Kyler

When we told family and friends we were adopting, many called us brave. Here are a few of the strategies that help us manage mature parenthood with grace:

#10 Say “Yes!”
When someone you trust offers to watch your little one “sometime”, schedule it! You need personal time, and mommy/daddy weekends away are essential for an amazing marriage and joyful family.

#9 Life is a Dance
A happy family loves routine. My shift is until 5:00am, attending to any cries in the night, Jonathan’s is 5:00-8:00am, and we’re together as a family, evenings. The Daddy/boy bonding is a blessing – Kyler naps on Daddy’s chest, they watch the sunrise, make breakfast, and greet a well rested, showered, yoga’d Mommy with smiles.

#8 Active Family = Happy Family
Tummy time, then Jumperoo for baby; chasing, climbing, running around the park for toddler; yoga, gym, bike, swim for you and your partner. Feel great, sleep better, and build up your stamina!

#7 Play Well With Others
Join Gymboree or Mommy and Me for the fun, and also the socialization and learning. Good for both of you.

#6 Ergonomics
By now, many of us have joints or backs that have us whimpering on occasion; consider what will make things easier. Being tall, we enjoy a taller changing table, a high-backed Dutalier glider, and an Orbit “turning” car seat. We used the Orbit bassinette latched onto the stroller as a chariot around the house when Kyler was an infant.

#5 Relaxed Mama
Weave errands and chores into playtime so that the baby’s naptime can be Mommy (and/or Daddy) time. Remember what you enjoy; read, nap, play piano, take a long bath. This ties in nicely with #10.

#4 Tai Chi
Channel your child’s energy. When he rolls on the changing table, use it to slide the diaper underneath his bottom. Then use his kicking to slip on pant legs. Beats a wrestling match! When Kyler was overtired yet wired at bedtime, we put him in the Jumperoo; he jumped and jumped and jumped until he fell asleep midair, and was easily carried to the crib.

#3 Sing Yourself Silly
When diaper changing escalates from difficult to impossible, a silly diaper song goes a long way. You can’t go wrong – the sillier, the better. Fa-la-la-la-la, et voilà. A dry diapered child. We’re trying this strategy now with toothbrushing; on a good day it works.

#2 Beat Them to the Punch
Some unthinking yet well meaning stranger is bound to ask, “so are you his, um, grandma?” Chime in on the third syllable with “…Kyler’s mommy, yes!” If you’re too late, keep your humor and remember, they could technically be right.

#1 Whatever happens, laugh.

This study is significant because it shows that children raised with lesbian parents are not at any higher risk for behavior and other problems than children who grow up with heterosexual parents are. In fact, the researchers state, “According to their mothers’ reports, the 17-year-old daughters and sons of lesbian mothers were rated significantly higher in social, school/academic and total competence and significantly lower in social problems, rule-breaking, aggressive, and externalizing problem behavior than their age-matched counterparts.”

The major limitation of this study, other than the non-random sample, is that the data only comes from parental reports. It would be better if the researchers also had reports from the adolescents themselves and teachers. Nevertheless, the parent report questionnaire used in the study is extremely valid and reliable. Furthermore, the research used a matched group of adolescents raised in heterosexual homes. In other words, this research, which has been peer reviewed, is scientifically valid.

IAC has always supported Gay and Lesbian family adoption. The researchers speculate that the children have good outcomes due to highly involved parents who demonstrate good parenting skills. The IAC has always operated on the belief that good parenting is the key to good outcomes for children, and that any other criteria for adoptive parents is discriminatory, and not in the best interest of the child.

One disturbing finding in the study, however, is that children who experienced homophobic stigmatization due to their parent’s sexual orientation had more problem behaviors than those that were not. This, of course, speaks to the continued need to promote anti-bullying, including anti-homophobia, education in the schools. The researchers also speculated that some parents were able to better prepare their children about how to deflect homophobic remarks.

Overall, the findings of this study are significant showing that children raised in homes with lesbian parents have exceedingly positive outcomes.

Take a moment to look at this minute and half promotion for the movie on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vRGaZ_4ffs

After you finish watching this segment, go buy the entire 72-minute film at http://www.jeanstrauss.com. Produced by independent filmmaker and adoptee, Jean Strauss, the DVD is only $19.95 plus shipping. IAC rarely recommends films, but we do recommend this one.