The Declassified Adoptee blog recently wrote a piece about the bankruptcy incident and the serious issues it raises, including rights for both adoptees and birth families. Among them are rights and protections the Independent Adoption Center has long advocated for. They include:

• Legally enforceable Open Adoption Agreements – IAC’s own Kathleen Silber has written, “Open adoption agreements don’t hinder the relationship in any way; they simply outline what the parties themselves have agreed to.” These agreements preserve the rights of all members of the adoption triad.
• Adoptee access to original Birth Certificates – Every person should have access to their original birth certificate and family records. This is a matter of civil rights and human dignity, to say nothing of the medical and legal aspects. Legislators in Texas should make immediate moves to end this discrimination against adoptees.

What do you think of the ASA situation in Texas, and what would you like to tell legislators about adoptee and birthparent rights? Let us know in the comments.

Even if your child’s birthmother doesn’t want a relationship right now, it doesn’t hurt to send her a card or a gift that shows her that you are thinking about her. It’s important for her to know that you’re there if she ever wants to open up the lines of communication, afterall this is what open adoption is all about. Make sure it’s clear on the packaging that it is from you and she can choose whether she wants to open it.

If you know your child’s birthmother well or if you have an inkling that she might enjoy some of the following items, why not send something over? Here
are some ideas:

A Card or e-Card
A Letter and some photos
Gift Certificates (spas, restaurants, movies, coffee shops, clothing stores)
Flowers and candy
Jewelry
Photo album or Scrapbook
Your Child’s Artwork
Invitation to Visit
Bath Kits and/or Lotions

And, if you need advice, it would be a good idea to ask the birthgrandma or grandpa if you know them. Or, you can always call your IAC counselor. I wish you all a memorable and happy Mother’s Day and Birthmother’s day!

Read More about Birthparent and Adoptive Parent Relationships in Open Adoption:
IAC Executive Director Ann Wrixon’s Personal Open Adoption Story
Why Open Adoption Agreement?
Open Adoption Magazine
Adoption Diaries

Your child/ren will learn to speak about their adoption based on the words they hear you using, so it’s important to use the correct terms from the beginning. It’s also important to talk to your friends and family about positive adoption language so they will know the correct terms to use as well. This will help them not only be good examples for your child, but will also put their minds at ease as to what the correct terms are to use. It can also take away any uncomfortable feelings they might have when talking to you and your family about adoption.

Some examples of positive adoption language are using the word “place” instead of “give up” when referring to your child’s birthparent’s choice to make an adoption plan. You usually “give up” things that are bad-you give up smoking, drinking, gambling, etc. Using that term could make your child think they are bad and that’s why they were “given up”. If instead you use “placed for adoption”, it acknowledges the loving, thoughtful choice that the birthparents made to find the perfect family for their child. Some other terms to keep in mind are: “parenting” vs. “keeping”; “birthmother” and “birthfather” vs. “real parents”; and “adoptee” vs. “adopted child”.

Next, Open Adoption stems from love, grows with love and thrives with love. At the root of this beautiful tree are the strong and selfless women who place their children for adoption. It is because birthparents are at the heart of adoption, that we wanted to create something for them. So, IAC announces our private social networking website just for birthparents. Be on the look out for updates from IAC’s iheartadoption blog.

Also learn about one of the IAC’s very own, Caitlin Mueller, who is not only working to transform lives here at the IAC, but will be joining in the fight against HIV and AIDs by biking 545 miles up the California coast. If you would like to support Caitlin, visit: www.tofighthiv.org/goto/caitlin

Last, but surely not least, read along as our experts discuss two very pertinent issues in open adoption. IAC’s Associate Executive Director and Clinical Director, Kathleen Silber, MSW, LCSW recommends welcoming openness into a closed or semi-open adoption and how to go about it. Lawrence Siegel, JD talks about the role of birthfathers in the adoption process and how to track down a birthfather in California who is MIA to discuss with him his options.

TELL US MORE!! What was your favorite article? And, why? What do you want to read about in future issues? Any other comments, suggestions, questions?

Women who call the IAC indicating that the only reason they want to make an adoption plan is because of financial problems are provided referrals to resources that can help them with housing, food, and other assistance. Of course, most situations are less clear-cut.

Women may express concern about their financial situation, but also indicate other reasons they want to make an adoption plan. Counselors at the IAC, and other agencies, explore all of the factors relating to their desire to place their baby for adoption. In particular, they ask the woman to imagine if all of their financial problems magically disappeared would they still make an adoption plan. If the answer is yes and the woman has other strong reasons for placement, the counselor will work with the woman on an adoption plan.

In situations like this, adoptive families need to be prepared to provide financial and emotional support to the birthparent(s) through the pregnancy and for a couple of months after the birth. Even more importantly, families need to be prepared for an ongoing relationship with a birthparent(s) who may face financial trouble throughout their life. This does not mean they will be asking the adoptive family for money. Although this does happen it is very rare. However, it can be hard to watch the birthparent(s) of your child struggle in this way. At a counseling-based agency, like the IAC, it is important for adoptive families to explore their feelings about a situation like this with your counselor before you commit to a match with birthparents facing financial hardship.

In most states, a birthfather that is married to the birthmother has equal rights to the child. What this means is that he must agree to the adoption plan or there is no adoption. This is true even if he is not the biological father.

An unmarried birthfather may or may not have legal rights to his biological child. In some states, he has the same rights as a married birthfather. In other states, his rights depend on the actions he takes or does not take to claim paternity. Every state has different rules for how an unmarried birthfather declares paternity.

Most agencies, like the IAC, will contact the birthfather and try to get him to participate in the adoption planning even if he does not have any legal rights to the child. The reasons for this are two-fold. First, it is ethical to inform the birthfather of his rights. Secondly, birthfathers play an important role for adoptive children as they have half of the child’s medical, social, cultural and racial/ethnic history. This is information that birthmothers often do not have.

Finally, whether or not a birthfather will cooperate in an adoption, it is vitally important to legally terminate his rights. It is imperative to work with your agency and/or attorney to ensure termination is legally secure. If there is more than one possible birthfather, proceed with termination of parental rights for all of them.

It is scenarios like this that point to the need for written agreements, which provide concrete expectations and boundaries. Contact agreements are legally binding in many states. But, even in states where these agreements are not technically binding, some courts enforce them anyway. As a result, families need to think carefully about what they agree to and be sure that it is something they can live with for the next 18+ years. An adoption cannot be overturned because of either party’s failure to comply. However, if mediation becomes necessary, families have the right to say whether compliance with any of the conditions in the agreement is in the best interest of their child.

The written agreement should specify the type and frequency of contact in the baby’s first year and in later years. Usually the birthmother wants more frequent contact during the first year when she is grieving. It’s a good idea to specify the minimum amount of contact the parties will have over the years. For example, if the agreement includes face-to-face contact, discuss the number of visits, along with the duration and location of each visit. It’s a good idea to also include how special occasions will be handled. Does the birthmother want to visit at the child’s birthday or Christmas and bring gifts? Is the adoptive family OK with that?

If the adoptive parents and birthparents develop a good relationship prior to the adoption and trust each other, they can work out minor issues over the years without the necessity of a court getting involved. Good communication will be more important in the long run than any written agreements.

“You will,” I assure her, but again events intervene. Three months will pass before we finally meet in person. During that time, I struggle with what this means for me, for my husband, for our daughter, and for her birthmother. I am relieved that the answers to my daughter’s questions are so close, but I am afraid she might be disappointed or hurt. Surprisingly, the one thing I do not feel is threatened. I am not worried that my place in my daughter’s heart will be gone. I know that is not possible. I also know that her heart has always had a place for her birthmother, and that until this point it has been achingly empty.

Finally, the day arrives when the three of us are to meet. My daughter is nervous, so nervous. We arrive early, and then spend fifteen agonizing minutes waiting for her birthmother to arrive. She steps out of the car and approaches my daughter offering her hand to shake. I can tell she is trying to be careful not to intrude on anyone’s boundaries—mine or her birth daughter’s. My daughter takes her hand and looks into her eyes, and for the first time in her life, my daughter sees her face reflected back at her.

Her birthmother tells her she loves her and always has. She tells her about her birthfather, and then she tells my daughter why she placed her for adoption. I can see my daughter visibly lighten, later she will tell me, “It all makes sense now. She made the right decision. I understand she placed me for adoption because she loved me.” I smile.

Perhaps the most startling news, however, is the revelation that my daughter is not Persian at all. Her birthmother confused explains to my daughter her true racial and ethnic identity. My daughter shakes her head, “Okay. I guess most people don’t get to change their entire race and ethnic background when they are twelve,” but I can tell she is relieved to know the truth. CONTINUE TO PART 4.

Part 1: Fears & Myths of Openness
IAC counselor, Dr. Jennifer Bliss, talks in this radio interview about open
adoption. One of the radio hosts reveals he is adopted and was found by his
birthmother when he was 25 years old, and is now in touch with his extended
birth family including his birth nephews. Dr. Jennifer Bliss, addresses some
of the common myths and fears about open adoption. She also talks about some
of the differences between domestic and international adoption.

Part 2: Defining a Birthparent’s Role
The radio interview with IAC counselor, Dr. Jennifer Bliss, continues. Dr.
Bliss answers a caller’s concerns about a birth parent wanting the child
back after a few months or a few years. Dr. Bliss explains how seeing the
child happy and healthy in the adoptive home reassures birthparents that
they made the right decision. It does not make them want to take the child
back. She also explains the role of adoptive and birth parent in the child’s
life.

Part 3: Effects of an Open Relationship
This is the final installment of the radio interview with IAC counselor, Dr.
Jennifer Bliss. Dr. Bliss listens to the concerns of a caller who is an
adoptive mother. The caller is very concerned about the contact her now
teen-aged daughter is having with her birthmother. Dr. Bliss talks about
appropriate boundaries, and tries to offer the adoptive mother some new ways
to think about her situation. She also talks with the radio host about the
legacy of open adoption. How important it is for adoptees to be reassured by
their birthparents that they were wanted. They were not given away or given
up, rather they were placed for adoption out of great love.

Please Listen. We’d love to hear your comments!