Independent Adoption Center » discussing adoption

A Look At Open Adoption – Does It Work Better For The Child?

Erin Grimm — Thu, 03 May 2012 17:32:05 +0000

IAC’s Marketing Directors were interviewed by the Pleasant Hill Patch on the advantages of open adoption and the comprehensive services IAC provides to ensure the health and happiness of all parties involved. Read the full article by Sarah Cooke: “A Look At Open Adoption – Does It Work Better For The Child?”

IAC Releases “Families of Open Adoption” Film

Erin Grimm — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 21:05:55 +0000

We are thrilled to share this brand new film on families of open adoption. Produced by Pixel Fish, this film will be used to show prospective adoptive families what open adoption involves and the caring, compassionate role that the IAC plays in the process.

The participants in the film, all IAC clients and staff, share their personal stories and address the fears and realities of open adoption. By weaving these true-life stories of adoptive parents and birth parents, it is evident that, while no two stories are the same, everyone wants what is best for the child.

A big thanks to all participants who volunteered their time and beautiful stories. And thank you also, to Pixel Fish for providing their professionalism and expertise in the making of the film.

“Transracial Adoption Talk” Open Adoption Magazine, Winter 2012

Ann Wrixon — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:32:32 +0000

Click image to download

Letter from the Editor: In celebration of the new year, this issue of Open Adoption offers stories of both reflection and hope. On page one, you will find a collage of IAC’s newest families, followed by exciting announcements on page two, including the Holiday Card Contest Winner. We also reveal the look of our new and improved website set to take affect in late January. For a closer look, visit adoptionhelp.org.

On page three an adoptive mother reflects on the first six months of parenthood. What begins as an unsettling hospital experience, evolves into an inspirational story of lasting bonds and life lessons.

Our feature article, on page five, is an informal discussion between an adoptive mother and father on transracial adoption. They speak from personal experience rather than expertise, and the honesty and sensitivity of their conversation is refreshing.

On page eight, we feature a class assignment by six-year-old Sophia, who wrote a beautiful depiction of her family. On page nine, get to know Ashley Garrison, the Open Adoption Counselor in Atlanta, Georgia.

On page ten, hear from resident expert Kathleen Silber as she explains how to address adoption at different ages. As always, the final pages contain up-to-date birthparent statistics and upcoming support group dates. Enjoy!

– Ann Wrixon, MSW, MBA, Executive Director

Social Media’s Impact on Adoption

Erin Grimm — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:54:50 +0000

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

This morning the TODAY Show featured a story that helps reveal the impact of social media on adoption. The video clip above explains how an adoptive mother and her daughter used Facebook to find the woman who placed her for adoption 19 years ago. After contacting her birthmother and meeting her for the first time, she explains how her life has changed. Also interviewed in the segment, is Adam Pertman, the Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. He states that social media’s role in adoption in real and growing. The transparency of information across social media has initiated new research into what, if any, adoption policies should be adjusted and how to define best practices in adoption.

Open Adoption Reality Show “Adoption Diaries” on WeTV

Erin Grimm — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 17:14:28 +0000

Adoption Diaries originally aired on Women’s Entertainment Television on September 12, 2009. Starring Jennifer Bliss, PsyD, MSW, LCSW, a social worker at the Independent Adoption Center, the series gracefully reveals the truth of open adoption, in which the birthmother chooses and meets the adoptive family and keeps communication open throughout the child’s life. Though over 90% of domestic adoptions have some level of openness, IAC advocates fully open adoption as numerous studies have shown that open adoption is in the best interest of the child.

As the first reality show on open adoption, Adoption Diaries successfully represents the reality of open adoption. The show offers a compelling glimpse into individual perspectives. It accurately portrays the fears and anxieties of the adoption process, as well as, the immense love and gratitude felt by both birthmothers and adopting parents.

For prospective parents considering adoption, the series is both educational and heart warming. While addressing pain and hardship, each episode powerfully weaves a beautiful true-life tale of boundless love and the unflinching bond adoption creates.

Watch a preview of the Adoption Diaries TV series on our YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noTQCHzL6D0

“Mom, Why Don’t I Look Like You?”

Michelle Keyes — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 19:11:04 +0000

A single Caucasian mother with her African-American son adopted through the IAC

In the past, through closed adoptions, these were probably dreaded words to hear. But now with open adoption, these words are easily explained and most likely already known from a very early age. By the time your child is asking these types of questions, they are noticing the differences around them and trying to figure out how they fit into the family and the world.

The key to answering any question about adoption from your child is honesty. If your child asks you about where their looks came from, or why they don’t look like you, you’ll want to go back and revisit their adoption story with them. Remind them that they have birthparents and that they likely resemble them more than you. If you have photos of the birthparents, pull them out and compare them to your child. Notice the differences and similarities between them. If you don’t have photos of them, or of only one of them, you can help your child imagine what they might look and what traits they might share. Give your child permission to daydream about their birthparents and acknowledge that they do share the same genetic background.

You can also take this opportunity to explore the differences and similarities between your child and the rest of your family. Perhaps you share eye color, or curly hair, or rosy cheeks. Perhaps you share silly talents such as touching your nose with your tongue or wiggling your ears. Or you might even share other interests such as sports, music, or math. Your child is likely trying to find something to connect them to you since they know they are not genetically connected.

Talking to Children About Adoption – Part 4 of 4

Michelle Keyes — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 00:05:27 +0000

If you are adopting and have other children, either biologically or through adoption, you will need to prepare them for the arrival of a sibling through adoption. If your other child/ren is/are adopted, this is going to bring up questions about their own birth and adoption story. It’s going to be a good opportunity to talk about things that perhaps haven’t been discussed in a while. You also will need to think about and possibly discuss how this next adoption may look very different than theirs. The contact with birthfamilies is likely to be different in these adoptions and if the subsequent adoption has more contact then the earlier one, this may be a hard thing for your child to understand. Be prepared to answer your child’s questions and allow them to grieve the loss of contact.

If your previous child/ren is a result of a biological birth, you’re going to need to prepare your child for the way an adoption works. They will need to learn about different ways families are formed and explore with them how you will be welcoming another family into yours. There are also children’s books about this subject that can provide easy conversation starters.

In either scenario, it’s imperative that your child be involved in the process of the adoption, while still being protected from realities that they may not yet understand. For example, the wait in an adoption can be long (at the IAC, the average wait is 6-18 months) and a young child doesn’t yet have the concept of time or of waiting. While you want to prepare your child for an eventual placement and explore what being a big brother or sister is all about, you don’t want to allow your child to think this is something that is going to happen immediately.

Once you are matched with a potential birthmother, you can begin to make more plans and allow your child to become more involved. They will likely meet the birthmother and birthfamily and be a part of the match process. However, as is the reality of adoption, even though she has chosen your family to adopt her unborn child, she has to make that choice yet again when it comes time to sign the relinquishments. One way to prepare your child for this and for the possibility that she may not place is to explain that she has chosen your family to care for her child until she decides if she can. Once she has signed and the revocation period is over, you can talk to your child about the permanency of the placement. If she does choose to parent, your child (and you) will likely be hurt and disappointed, but you will both be better prepared knowing that you were helping her while she needed time to decide what’s best for her and her child.

Talking to Children About Adoption – Part 3 of 4

Michelle Keyes — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 00:29:49 +0000

If your child’s birthparents close off contact at some point, it’s important to let your child know that they are always welcome back. Let them know that their birthparents still have your phone number or address and if you’ve moved, that you’ve provided the agency with your new information so they can get it when they are ready. Even if you’ve had to establish some boundaries with the birthparents, you likely haven’t said, “Don’t visit”, you’ve more likely said, “When you are ready/able/stable, you are welcome to visit again”.

Your child should have all the information about their adoption story before they are 12. You don’t necessarily have to tell them every single detail in adult language by that time, but there shouldn’t be any surprises after that age. Once children are teenagers, they have a wide range of emotions and trust issues. If they learn new alarming information regarding their story, they may misinterpret it, embody it, or not believe you. You will need to continue to process their adoption story over and over again as they age and mature. What satisfied them when they were 3 is not going to satisfy them when they are 5, 8, 12, etc.

Giving your child the power to decide whom to share their adoption story with is very empowering. Not everyone needs to know they were adopted. Let them decide whom to share with and you may be surprised by their choices. It’s important to teach your child the difference between secrets and private matters as well. Secrets can often be bad, whereas private matters are just things that are not shared with everyone. For example, the cashier at Wal-Mart doesn’t need to know your whole adoption story if you do not want to share it, so that’s a private matter. There’s nothing wrong with keeping things private and you are proud to share their story with those people who are important in your lives, but you needn’t be pressured to indulge curious onlookers.

To be continued…

Talking to Children About Adoption – Part 2 of 4

Michelle Keyes — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 23:32:22 +0000

When talking to your child about their adoption story and you are discussing the circumstances around the placement, be honest with your child, but keep it age appropriate. Again, try to incorporate examples from every day life to make it easier to understand. For example, if your child’s birthmother was young, you could use an example of a young neighbor or cousin and talk about how “Amy is still living at home with her parents. She goes to school, has homework, is on the cheerleading squad, etc. Could you imagine her trying to raise you right now?” That’s going to make more sense to your child than just saying “She was too young to take care of you”. Your child is going to also realize that if she was young when she had him/her, she’s not young anymore and could possibly care for him/her now. It’s important to stress the permanency of adoption and that she knew it was a forever decision then and was, and still is, happy with her decision. If ongoing contact is part of your adoption, this is only going to be reinforced through visits and contact. If financial burden was part of your child’s adoption story, it’s ok to share that with your child, but don’t over emphasize it because the next time you tell your child you can’t afford something, they could begin to worry that you cannot afford to care for them and they may be placed for adoption again.

It’s important to bring up the subject of your child’s adoption periodically, especially if it’s not something they do on their own. It doesn’t have to be made into a big discussion, but a simple thought said aloud, perhaps wondering what their birthparents are doing now or commenting that your child is especially gifted in a certain area and perhaps they share that trait with their birthmother/father. Bringing up the subject is going to give your child permission to bring it up. It will let your child know they can talk to you about their adoption story and ask you questions. It’s also important to let your child know that you cared and continue to care for their birthparents. This is going to give your child permission to care for or love their birthparents and birthfamily. Some children may be afraid of hurting you by loving them, so it’s important to allow them to acknowledge how they feel.

It’s also important for both parents (if you are a two-parent household) to bring up the subject with your child. It’s going to be natural for your child to come to one of you over the other for different subjects (math homework, sports, friends, etc) and that’s ok. However, it’s important for your child to know that they can talk to either one of you, even if they prefer to always come to one of you.

To be continued…

Talking to Children About Adoption – Part 1 of 4

Michelle Keyes — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 18:40:02 +0000

It’s a good idea to think about talking to your child about their adoption story before they begin asking questions. If you begin using positive adoption language from the very beginning, they will learn it too and there won’t be anything “odd” or “uncomfortable” about it. Children learn the words that they hear and they will learn the appropriate adoption terms from you the same way they will learn to say “milk” or “up”. Infants don’t understand when you tell them “I love you!” but you say it anyway and they learn that the words you are saying are happy words because you are smiling and cuddling or giving hugs and kisses as you say those words. The same will be true when you talk about their adoption story.

Children are very literal thinkers, so it’s best to create concrete examples of their adoption story so they can understand it better. Think about taking photos throughout your journey-outside the adoption agency during your first visit there, when you meet with a potential birthmother, etc. That way you can scrapbook your journey and share with your child. Seeing photos and reading words with you will make it more real and easier for them to understand. You can also blog about it or keep another type of journal and read it together. Keep a photo of the birthparents and/or birthfamily on the mantle. Buy children’s books to keep on your child’s bookshelf about adoption. It doesn’t have to turn into reading a story about adoption, but simply, reading a story. This is really going to normalize their experience and help them understand that families are created in many different ways. There are exceptional children’s books on adoption, single parent families, same sex partner families, stepfamilies, children raised by grandparents, etc. All families are made in their own way; adoption was just the way yours was made.

To be continued…