In honor of National Poetry Month the Independent Adoption Center is having a poetry contest! All adoptive parents (current and alumni) and birthparents are welcome to submit poetry about adoption. Whether it is your experience placing, waiting to adopt or life after adoption we’d love to read what adoption has meant to you. All entries will be shared on http://www.iheartadoption.org/support/adoption-poems and the winner will be featured in a blog post that will also be in our Spring Newsletter. The contest will run the whole month of April, so time to get those creative juices flowing! Please email your submissions to contests@adoptionhelp.org.

IAC opened a fully staffed office in New York City on August 1, 2013. By expanding into Connecticut, IAC will be able to better serve the people of the tri-state area who need open adoption services.

IAC’s office is located at Connecticut Business Centers, Six Landmark Square, 4th Floor, Stamford, CT. The office is open by appointment only. For more information call: (203) 747-8500 or visit us online at: http://www.adoptionhelp.org/about/offices-staff

How have holidays changed since adopting your daughter Kendall?
Our families have always gotten into the holiday spirit – decorations, trees, parties, food, eating, baking, big family gatherings; so I think having Kendall in our lives magnified it a bit more. I’m not sure we can say it changed anything, but it’s definitely better and has more of the child magic that seems to come around this time of year. Kendall is my helping buddy when it comes to decorating of course, and my shopping buddy to go get a “few” more decorations for the home. Everything we do, she is included and a part of, from putting up the outside lights, to putting decorations on the tree. She just makes everything better!! And our hope is that she will have some same great memories that both Danny and I did when we were growing up!!

I definitely take more photos. A ton. Like over 500+ just in a 10 day visit to Washington. Kendall has been photographed EVERY day of her life since she joined our family.  So I guess during the holidays I just take a few more. I know, I just can’t get enough of her and I just want her to remember.

How has it’s importance grown?
The holidays are very important to our family. Living far away from most of our family (our parents and most of our siblings live in Washington) is hard, but we have managed to go “home” for Christmas every year since Kendall’s birth. I would like Kendall to be around as much family as possible during Christmas so that she can build memories with some of the BEST people in the WORLD!! We typically spend 10 fun filled days in Washington, hopping from house to house (which is how it was before Kendall) visiting, eating and catching up. Kendall has 3 sets of grandparents whom I feel she is very close with all of them; a true blessing (and thanks to Skype). Christmas is a chance for Kendall to be around most of her extended family and I truly LOVE watching her interact with her grandparents, cousins and my best friends’ children.

What new traditions have you created?
This is our first year with Elf on a Shelf, his name is Blitz and we have enjoyed having him in the family this year. Kendall seems to like him too and usually finds him all by herself. It’s been fun sharing something completely new to all of us this year!! We find Blitz adorable and very helpful.

So, Danny’s family and mine have always driven around in the cars at night looking at Christmas lights when we were young, and even maybe a bit when we were older and in college. And it has been an absolute joy to take Kendall around each year to look at lights. Terms such as “Oh. My. Gosh. That’s beautiful” and “That’s amazing” are commonly used as we hit up different neighborhoods a couple of times a week. So although this may not be new, it is very special.

Finally, our family started participating in “Light em’ Up,” random acts of kindness to do in your community to light it up!! You can visit the site here: http://lillightomine.com/light-em-up-12—the-back-story.php. I found it on Pinterest and Kendall and I have had a TON of fun doing this project!! Kendall isn’t the typical kid (yet?) who wants everything she sees, so it wasn’t about getting HER to focus on giving to others, but more about teaching US how GREAT it can feel do to simple gestures of thanks. This has become a teaching tool in reaching out to those around us who make our lives better EVERY DAY!! From the guy that gets the stranded carts in the parking lots, to the firefighters, by simply letting them know we appreciate them. We make it a teachable moment as well and get to have a lot of fun doing it!!! We have emailed it to our family and friends, along with posting it on Facebook!! We are hoping that it inspires others to join in and “Light Up” their communities as well.

Obviously these traditions are special to our family because we are all participating; we discuss with Danny when he gets home and share the experiences we have had. We will all get to participate when we do a little sharing once he is off of work and we are on our way to Washington, and when we are able to be together. So much fun!!!

Share what celebrating the holidays means to you and your family:
All the holidays are so much better. Kendall has made the holidays more special because we get to see her face light up when we decorate. She lights up seeing Christmas lights, Santa at the mall, and all the great Christmas shows during this time of year. We watch the classics such as Rudolph, to the fun new shows like “Prep & Landing.” She lights up when we go into stores and sees all the twinkly lights and sparkly decorations. These are the things that make my heart happy. I am also a picture-taking freak, so with the billions of photos I take, we get to relive them and laugh, and relive all those special moments. It’s amazing to see how she has changed and grown. AMAZING!!

The holidays are a chance to share special traditions with her that our parents did with us. It’s also a chance to get together with ALL of our family once a year and make new memories. It absolutely is the BEST TIME OF YEAR!!

“Although it was many years ago, I still remember it better than yesterday. I was probably five or six. We had been out past my bedtime and I had fallen asleep on the long ride home. Upon arriving home I awakened, but did not stir. Instead I did what is sometimes typical of children: I played “possum.” I pretended to be asleep so that someone would carry me into the house and put me to bed.

Dad was a genuinely kind man. He had an active work life as a postal carrier, delivering mail and walking typically 4-5 miles each workday. It wasn’t in his nature to say many cross words to another person. Even though he had worked hard and was probably exhausted after a long day, Dad still picked up his tired son, carried him into the house, and put him to bed.”

To read the rest of the blog click here: Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt

The Declassified Adoptee blog recently wrote a piece about the bankruptcy incident and the serious issues it raises, including rights for both adoptees and birth families. Among them are rights and protections the Independent Adoption Center has long advocated for. They include:

• Legally enforceable Open Adoption Agreements – IAC’s own Kathleen Silber has written, “Open adoption agreements don’t hinder the relationship in any way; they simply outline what the parties themselves have agreed to.” These agreements preserve the rights of all members of the adoption triad.
• Adoptee access to original Birth Certificates – Every person should have access to their original birth certificate and family records. This is a matter of civil rights and human dignity, to say nothing of the medical and legal aspects. Legislators in Texas should make immediate moves to end this discrimination against adoptees.

What do you think of the ASA situation in Texas, and what would you like to tell legislators about adoptee and birthparent rights? Let us know in the comments.

“This is the mantra that has been on my mind the past few weeks. I love Dory from Finding Nemo. For all her faults, she is fearless and persistent. Surrounded by deep murky waters with unknown dangers, she doesn’t give up. Instead she hums a simple tune and keeps on swimming, trusting that everything will work out in the end. And her courage and tenacity doesn’t just help her own journey along, it also encourages Marlin to not give up hope.

So often I find myself weary of waiting. Waiting sucks! There’s really not a nicer way to describe it. We would all like to have a smooth, easy journey to parenthood, but for most adoptive couples the journey is more like a swim upstream against the current. There are disappointments, delays, and detours. There are days when it seems like it will never happen. There are days when hope is hard to find. Those are the days we especially need to take a deep breath and keep on swimming.”

To read the rest of the blog click here: Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt

Click Here to watch the clip 

[Skip to 2:15 after the commercial]

At IAC, we were surprised to see that a morning show with such a wide reach and mass audience would comment on the open vs. closed adoption topic without mentioning a single benefit of open adoption. We decided to take the opportunity to ask one of our nationally regarded experts, Independent Adoption Center Associate Executive Director Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW, to weigh in on how she felt about the segment and the benefits of open adoption compared to closed.

What was your initial reaction to the segment?
KS: Well honestly, it feels like a step back into the dark ages, where closed adoption was still the norm. A lot has changed in adoption over the years. It’s generally accepted knowledge now that an open adoption arrangement is not only healthier for the adoptees, but for the families as well. What’s shocking about the commentary on the Today Show is actually how archaic those views are – it’s hard to believe people are still advocating something that’s known to not be good practice.

What was your reaction to Nancy Snyderman saying that finding your birthmother is like “opening Pandora’s box?”
That’s a typical reaction of parents with a closed adoption and it’s based out of a lot of fear. They don’t know the birthmother or anything about her. What was sad about what was said on the show is that it just fed into the old stigmas about adoption that birthmothers are somebody horrible that you wouldn’t want to have in your life. Birthmothers of open adoption know this is going to be a permanent long-term relationship where she knows her role is just the birthmother, not the parent. There is no mystery with open adoption because everything is out in the open.

Where do you think these misconceptions come from?
I think a lot of the misconceptions come from a lack of knowledge. It’s a typical reaction for adoptive, or potential adoptive, parents to react based out of fear when they first hear and think about open adoption. A lot of times it’s the initial reaction of “I just want to parent this baby. I don’t want to have any contact with the birthmother because it sounds scary. I just want to adopt the baby, not the birthmother, too.” And that stems from ignorance, because people think that the women who choose adoption for their babies are horrible people or have a bad history, but that’s not the case.

Now when people go through the educational process about adoption they learn about the issues, particularly for children. It moves them past their needs and on to what the child’s needs are going to be. It seems these supposed “experts” that responded were reacting out of what they felt were the parent’s needs and not thinking about what the child’s needs may be.

If you were on the panel, how would you have responded?
You know, closed adoption used to be the only choice, but back in the early 1980’s we started noticing a lot more of the adult adoptees were wondering about their past and they had so many unanswered questions it was hard for them to cope. We’ve learned through research and working with these families and children that open adoption leads to better mental health in the children, birthparents and adoptive parents, and it has a higher success rate than closed because of this. It doesn’t matter how great a child’s adoptive parents are at raising them, a child wants to know where they came from. Children who grow up obsessing over unanswered questions tend to develop problems. It’s hard to grow up not knowing “Who do I look like?” and “Why was I given up?” Some children do alright with it, but others develop serious psychological problems. Comparatively, with open adoption, a child knows the answers to all these questions. They grow up so much better from a mental health point of view.

How does contact with the birthparents work in open adoption?
I think when people first hear about open adoption they think, “Oh this is going to be confusing to the child, they’re not going to know who their mom is,” well, kids are smarter than that. They figure out who mom is because that’s the person that’s there everyday. So say if the birthmother were to come visit or something and the child falls down and skins his knee, who is the child going to run to? He’s not going to run to the birthmother, he’s going to run to his mom, the one who’s been raising him.

It’s best to view birthparents as extended family members who visit the child maybe once or twice a year. While there’s a place in the child’s life for these family members, there’s no confusion about who “Mom” and “Dad” are. After all, your child cannot have too many people in his life who love him, and a little extra love will only help your child build a more positive self-concept. 

These days, what percentage of adoptions are open compared to closed?
At this point a minimum of 80% of all infant adoptions are open. That’s the national average and I believe it’s even higher than that. That’s why it seems irresponsible to advocate closed adoption on national television.

Contrary to popular opinion, closed adoption is actually much more prone to failure than open. Even if someone is interested in a closed adoption it’s hard to find an agency for it these days. And modern tools like social media make closed adoption a thing of the past. Pretty soon, there will be no distinction between open and closed adoption – it will only be open.

Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW is the current Associate Executive Director at Independent Adoption Center. She is the author of Dear Birthmother and Children of Open Adoption.

The IAC stands in full support of the Adoption Tax Credit Working Group, the result of a number of organizations and institutions who have come together to advocate for a permanent adoption tax credit. The tax credit was introduced in 1997 and has helped thousands of families afford the costs associated with adoption. The goal is to have a tax credit that is:

• Inclusive – All types of adoption should receive the credit: domestic, foster, and intercountry
• Permanent – The credit should be a permanent part of the tax code, not subject to expiration
• Refundable – Low-income families should receive the credit regardless of tax liability
• Flat for special needs – Full credit for special needs adoption, in recognition of the post-finalization costs associated with these adoptions

On April 17th the Making Adoption Affordable Act was introduced as the first legislation to accomplish these goals. The bill would set the adoption tax credit at $13,360, and make it refundable and permanent.  Referring to the high costs of housing children in the foster care system, sponsor Rep. Braley of Iowa stated at his press conference, “When a policy puts more kids in loving homes and also saves taxpayers millions of dollars in the process, expanding it should be a bipartisan no-brainer.”

To learn more about the efforts of Save the Adoption Tax Credit visit http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/

A new tool on the market, adopt2Connect, can provide that link. Developed just one year ago by Nancy Baker, an adoption case worker, and Mark Barrett, an adoptive parent, the site is innovative yet has the ease of use that is common to social media sites. Independent Adoption Center was an early proponent of the site and has continued to be supportive of the site through the many new features we have rolled-out this first year. The latest enhancement is the social media front-end that allows each owner of an adoption support page to link to each of their other social media tools – Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, etc. and without any further effort, all of your social media updates instantly appear in adopt2Connect on IAC’s support page and then instantly populating every home page of every IAC page member. So log on to adopt2Connect today at http://www.adopt2connect.com and join IAC’s support page to see up to the minute feeds and news from their organization, all in one place, right from your home page.

Today, adopt2Connect is 250 families strong. We cherish the gift of a child, respect the unknowns of the adoption process and know how to stick it out through our growing network. As you or someone you know waits patiently for the next call, email or document to guide your steps, remember to join or share our network so that we can be by your side (virtually) and welcome you into a community of expectant parents who want to do good works. We’re there for you from beginning to end. Check us out! Membership is free. Our community works together to make a better life for every child.